Pragmatic or problematic

Have we become a society that takes "don't settle" too far? Maybe we are a society moving towards pathological searching. Whenever I meet someone, there is a high probability they are single (including separated and/or divorced). When I ask why, most say they can't find someone they really like or feel chemistry.

I myself am starting to wonder why I am looking for that elusive chemical connection. Perhaps the more searching I do, the more I want and therefore I have become a victim of the quest. Maybe, just maybe, there is something to be said for sticking it out, even when things become unbearable. There has to be a point where two people in a relationship can break through the problem periods to enjoy the stronger bond developed through the problem.

Flashbacks

People seem curiously surprised upon discovering that "I" am single. Ok, wait. Let me restate that, WOMEN, seem surprised by this. What's shocking is that the next sentence out of their mouths is usually "oh, but you probably have a few girlfriends." WHAT???

What is the correlation between the two? Now, I'm not complaining. In fact, I like that my "brand" is that of a desirable male in the universe. But I'm starting to think this is impacting my ability to find this elusive female that will ultimately be by mate.  

Anyway, back to the question (why am I single). Immediately upon being asked this question, it's like I have a flashback to every crappy thing my ex did. Then I wonder what answer could this person possibly be looking for? Perhaps an insight into my shortcomings? Perhaps they like to bask in the glow of someone else's failed relationship? Not sure. I'm starting to think that I should give examples of how thoughtless and inconsiderate me ex was (maybe she still is!) I feel sorry for guy #80 (or 101, whichever it is). Then I realize that I am no longer AS bitter as I used to be and I need to move on.

And then they ask a REALLY tough question: how many women have you dated? Then I have a different flashback, or flashbacks...

a change of pace...

Our own insecurity can be a huge asset and hidden liability.

I have been discovering a phenomena that has me stumped. It started with an absurd remark, but has snowballed to epic proportions. Inflicting masses of females that come into contact with me. I don't even know what to call it, YET!

At some point I will start allowing these comments and behaviours to completely ruin me - turning me into an egomaniac the likes of Kanye West.

I am the first to admit I have some major insecurities. I think I'm too short, too skinny, no calves, I'm old, I'm weird... and the insecurities go on. But, my insecurities drive me to work on and correct or overcome my shortcomings. In the process, apparently, I am seeming to become quite a specimen (LOL)!!! I love that women, for the first time in my life, are feeling like I am "out of their league!" I find it ridiculous and very strange. At first, I thought it was an excuse. Which fed my insecurities. Now, I'm not so certain. So, the moral of today's post: imperfection is perfection. In a world where mediocrity is the standard, excellence is a fantasy.

Creatures of habit

I try to break the habit, but when I do, I find no solace, no peace, nothing I was hoping or expecting to find. I've become addicted to the search I think. Experimenting. Trying it on for size, so to speak. In the end, what works is the same old, same old that always worked.

In search of a feeling or a sequence of feelings or trying to recapture a sentiment and situation that existed so long ago.

Judging myself, while no one else does, trying to be the ideal, but for who's sake?

It weighs on me, it clouds me, it feels more like affliction than addiction.

Jealousy...

When asked if I get jealous, my answer is always the same... When I am interested in or trying to win a woman (and let's face it, hunting still occurs in the modern world) I am extremely jealous. But, why am I jealous? At that moment in time, I am my most insecure. There is someone I want and if she shows the slightest interest, or wait, TALKS to another man, I get overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy! Why competitiveness kicks in and I have to prove to her why I am the man she should be with!! 

Now. Once I have secured my prey (!!!) and she is clearly with me, my insecurities virtually disappear. Jealousy is distrust, insecurity and fear of loss. I believe if I am feeling jealous in a relationship, then obviously it's for a reason: I don't trust her or myself!

But, I have a question, do women like that touch of jealousy, overprotectiveness and this sense of being under the watchful eye of a man who protects her. It's all perspective after all.

Seeking Approval

A revelation! After years of trying to gain the approval of others I realized it was never anyone else that was judging me, it was me! OMG!

Here I was trying to impress people I didn't even know or care about. Then still judging myself. I set these expectations of what life was supposed to be like. When I got what I wanted, it wasn't what I expected, When I didn't get my way, I wasn't deserving. 

How did I get this way? Why would I, me, create expectations that no one else placed on me? Now, I'm not saying I should have been lazy or not try or not strive to achieve. What I'm saying is, how could I be so hard on myself? I disguised my own expectations of myself. I made it seem as if someone else expected that of me.

Part II

Having actually made a connection with three different women in my lifetime (so far, I expect to find it again) I can speak from both perspectives.

Finding someone that one connects with on multiple levels - emotional, physical, intellectual and spiritual - is unlike anything else. For instance, of the women that have passed through my life, I have forgotten some, miss others and some remain friends, BUT I could never just sit and do NOTHING with them. When I was in a relationship where I could really be me, not expected to have something funny or brilliant to say, not expected to look perfect all the time (although I do :P), it was a really liberating feeling. I didn't feel like I had to run. I wanted to see them, I wanted to spend more time with them. 

I suppose as a single person that's what I'm still looking for.

The other thing I miss the most is the sense of belonging and being part of a "micro" community.