Priorities and options

Taking stock. When I review my past and present interpersonal relationships with women, here's what I have observed.

Often I have felt that I have placed a priority on them and the relationship itself. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't, as I said many many posts ago, all reality is subjective. However, I think I can present proof, should it be required. I often find my interest and willingness to invest dwindling -of course the timing of that is dependent upon my awakening from the stuper that seems to come over me in the early part of any relationship.

How do I know that I am not a priority. I suppose the signs are simple and obvious. When I notice that I am initiating every interaction - this alone is a significant issue. Then of course there is the whole prioritization factor. What is a realistic expectation when it comes to one's priority in the relationship realm?

The Bell Curve would illustrate this best. The steep climb of interest, fascination, followed by the achievement of the pinnacle of the relationship, which is an unknown, until much later in the decline period.

So what's a guy to do? Play the game or move on?

Groundhog Day

For over a year my life has been stuck. I feel like Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day." There may be subtle differences, but I know the outcomes of every moment. The scenes never change. The redundancy wears on me like fingernails on a chalk board. (I also hate the sound of markers writing on cardboard.)

When I think of purpose and pursuits I think that everything I do has little to do with the world around me. Certainly my world is better or worse for the outcome, but little else seems affected.

I see my little goddaughter graduate from kindergarten and I am lost. This rocks. This is important. This feels good. It's the ultimate drug. Everything else just pales by comparison.

Running on empty

Whenever I reach a point where I feel spent. Exhausted. Frustrated. I seem to retreat into a place where I envision a simpler life. The exact opposite of what I desire most, what seems to constantly elude me. Perhaps it's the fight or flight instinct. Perhaps I do really just long for peace, ease and exclusion from the society I love.

I'm an outsider, an outlier, a conformist that refuses to conform to the melancholy that the general population accepts as their fate. It's so hard to continue the drive, especially when my tanks are empty. And for, seemingly infinite periods, I continue to push my car. Until. Until I find a rest stop or somewhere to get a drop of adrenaline.

All empire's fall...

Is it any surprise that few relationships last? I think of all the things I have built in my lifetime (so far) and I realize everything has a lifecycle. Nothing has withstood the barrage of challenges encountered. I have waged my personal battles to protect what I had built, but only to see that ultimately my empire crumbled. I wonder if we are supposed to relish the pleasure and the power felt during the rise, prepare for the fall and just move on.

Relationships are not immune to the ravages of our daily battles the form the lifetime war. I admire those that stand as beacons for us wanna-be's.

All's FEAR in love and war...

Fear is probably the single greatest nemesis of every person. It causes sane people to make irrational decisions and normally calm people to suddenly become total dorks.

When you have fear under control, we think straight, act rationally and even seem cool.

Now the paradox is this, the women I am most interested in cause me to lose total control of my cool. The ones I'm not interested in at all, well, I act totally nonchalant and guess what? They are totally all over me.

I know what I have to train myself to do. But it ain't easy!

Alone, but not lonely

Should I be surprised? Times when I have been surrounded by people I have felt alone. On my own, I never feel lonely. Other times I want to be alone. My own company is the best company. While I search to fill an imaginary void, I only find more emptiness and I find myself becoming the matter that fills another's vacuum. In searching, I only find more unknown.

Small wonders...

Defining moments. The times that impact our lives. Not always life changing, but defining. The emotions associated with the moment. The memory, carried on my shoulder, like so much excess weight. One defining moment replacing a no longer significant moment. Perhaps the only way past the pain is to experience new ones.

Facing fear...

I still can't face some of my fears. Ignorance and isolation are wonderful things when used to protect my emotional well-being. But, in my mind, logic tells me that if I control the dosage and face my fear a little each day or every once in a while, eventually, I will become immune to the fear and even the pain the knowledge brings.

What's in a name?

Shakespeare was right after all, a rose by any other name would smell the same as the flower we call the rose (excuse my literary license).

I wanted this blog to be record of my experiences in dating. I found that extremely difficult to write about. I felt like I would be telling tales out of school. Instead, it's turned into a Freudian exercise in self analysis.

Dating has taught me much. About myself and about others. About chemistry and lust and love and infatuation. It has made me ponder my priorities, my values, my choices, my judgements and most of all realize that wisdom is not desirable. There is a power in ignorance. There is an energy and fearlessness of youth. Confidence comes with a price.

It's been a while...

Since I last wrote. I have been wondering about what I will refer to as "the pointless search for purpose." This search has me, maybe everyone else, substituting "purpose" with finding this elusive other person who will alleviate our loneliness, unhappiness and general malaise.

I've discovered that it's the search itself that brings on these unhealthy emotions for me. Only when I am free from this nagging need to find someone that fits this role of making me happy, am I actually happy!

Failure to launch

It's a recurring theme, I'm sad to say, the situations I find myself in lead me to ask myself questions I can't answer.

Some situations are surreal, somewhat out-of-body, where I am a third party observer of this maestro of seduction. Sadly, those situations are few. Most of the time I'm lovingly called a dork. Stumbling, fumbling, stuttering and struggling. It's a wonder women find me remotely attractive.