Anything or nothing...

I'm never satisfied. It's not that the grass is greener, it's just that I'd like to play on the grass in the other field. I love my grass. I just get bored of it. It has nothing to do with appreciation. I sometimes wonder if I can have more grass. Or experience different grass. I believe I can have anything I want. It's just that in wanting, I get nothing.

Destiny...

Maybe some of us are not meant to be in relationships. There are far too many permanently single people floating around. And even the ones in relationships, well, I think they will become single at some point. In most cases, I'm so sure, that when I meet someone who is in a relationship, I wonder when they will be single again. Who will be there to catch them and help them through the recovery stage.

Easy like Sunday morning...

Revelation: (I've been having a lot of them it seems)

I totally agree that relationships, rather, making relationships sustainable, are a lot of work. But, I feel that, in the beginning stages it should be easy. I mean, it shouldn't be uncomfortable, or a lot of thinking. It should just flow. Like, when you have to think and ask whether you should be calling the person, it's likely starting off bad. Think about it. What were your best relationships? How did it start? Was it natural? Did it feel right?

More like Cereal...

I'm tired. I feel like a big bowl of corn flakes. Oh, I mean, I don't want to eat the cereal, I AM the cereal. Being eaten alive. I don't want to be roasted grain! I surely don't want to be a serial anything!

Damn!

Ever had an epiphany moment - you know - it just hits you! Well, I've been having lots lately. Either my brain is open to receiving the information or I was truly unaware. My most current epiphany moment relates to my own inability to reveal my true self. I manage my own emotions so I don't reveal too much about myself. How crazy is that? Here I am, thinking I'm the most open person in the world, when in fact, I'm likely the complete opposite. I manage everyone and everything around me - constantly. It never ends. It's such a habit. I have to break it!

Children raising children...

We're a society that has extended our longevity almost three fold in one century. As our population ages, as we gain freedom, independent thought and the permission to do as we please, my observation is we have a society of children raising children, misguided, misled, miscommunicated and misunderstood. It's true, we are younger longer. It's also true that we never grow up. We have become expert in just about every form of communication, yet I cannot see any evidence that we communicate any better.

We are no more equipped for managing our relationships today than prior generations. As far as I know, there are no classes in high school that teach us about relationships.

Complaining and pointing out flaws are easy. My goal in my lifetime is to impact a generation. To change the relative importance we place on our most valuable asset, our relationships. Now I just have to figure out how I do that.

What are we gonna do?

When there's nothing to do, what do you do? Why does a date have to revolve around an event, a specific "to do"?

A real litmus test, for me, is the outcome of a non-event based date. Is there comfort, interest and the je ne sais quoi.

Growing up (or down)

The truth has always been the truth. The truth I am referring to in particular is "the older I get the less I know" or " I wish I were as smart as I thought I was."

I was inexplicably moved by the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." In many ways, I related, I learned a few things and I am constantly thinking about it.

Let me give you an example. Despite his actual age, he was actually very mature. Almost as if he began his life as a wise, reserved, conservative man. As he aged, his physical appearance became younger and so did he. I have had the pleasure of meeting many people in my life who, through circumstances and life experiences are very wise and mature. Marks of events that shaped their thinking. Much like me, they are "old" for such young people. I consider myself very lucky to have been able to reverse age. Youth is wasted on the young. As a young older guy I have the benefit of my experiences and mistakes, but I also have the luxury of being able to live the live I chose, the life I dream and not the life I feel compelled to live.

Vampires

I think I am a new age vampire. No, I do not require human blood to live and no, I am not immortal. I am, however, constantly seeking and feeding off of energy. New relationships are my prey. I feed off of the newness, the excitement, the unknown, the sheer bliss that only exists when I first meet someone.

Occasionally, I become attached to my prey. This is good. It means I am capable of developing deeper emotional connectivity. I collect these people. Perhaps the most interesting of discoveries, many of these people are very much like me. We are collectors. We are both predators and prey. As much as I feed on them, they feed on me.

Unrealistic expectations...

From the moment I meet a woman I begin to set expectations. Knowingly and unknowingly, they begin as single strands of a web that ultimately take shape and create a set of judgments. As each one of them fail every, ever increasingly difficult, measurement they begin to become like prey in my web. I see them as weak and undeserving. It's near impossible for them to free themselves to the preordained conclusion.

Yet, this doesn't explain why, every so often, one manages to break free from this trap. And I can never seem to capture that one. The one I want. Maybe it's because I couldn't get it.

Confessions...

It hasn't turned out quite the way I had envisioned or as my title would have suggested. Let me correct that, a little bit, today.

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned. Many times. And likely, I will continue to sin. After all, to sin is human and besides, who can judge me? I can't remember the last time I confessed. But here are some of the things I confess...

1. I date because I can. Not because I need to. I do so because I am insecure. I'm not sure I should be dating;

2. I'm still asking "why?" I suppose I should take my own advice, realize there are no reasons and move on. I'm stuck in my own mud;

3. I'm searching for a heart of gold (sorry Neil Young). I think if I mine enough I'll find one;

4. I'm weak, afraid and alone (not lonely, alone);

5. I suffer from an identity crisis and make fun of myself;

6. I envy mediocre people;

7. I sometimes wish I didn't know the things I know;

8. I don't think that a secret is a secret if you tell another person...

I'm sure there's more to confess to, but I can't think of all of it.

Blenders...

Our world is a very interesting place. There are starter homes and starter marriages. There are blended families, two and three times over. Soon, we'll all be related. It's true, the only baggage that you can bring, is all that you can't leave behind.

I have a real struggle with women with children. Especially since I have none. There is much expected of me, with little or no appreciation or empathy for what I have to come into. I should win a noble prize.

Children are not baggage, yet they are carted around from relationship to relationship, gaining new brothers and sisters and parents. I had always looked at it as a good thing, but now I realize it's not. It's not healthy for the biological parents, the surrogate parents, the blended family, no one. But as humans, we have needs. We make choices, we make sacrifices, we are selfish and the whole time we don't know what we are doing.

What's right?

I have these amazing conversations with various women in my life. We talk about everything, openly and honestly, without judgement. I'm constantly reminded, through these interactions, that we are so much alike. We have so little understanding of ourselves there is no way we can understand the opposite sex. Look within for the answer.

One discussion arose around my choice of age group. I admit, I am enjoying the honesty, the free-spiritedness and the beauty of much younger women. It's amazing the controversy this creates. Everyone seems to have an opinion and I welcome them. I am at a stage in my life where I have come to learn that I have to live the life I choose, without regrets, without influence and on my own terms. I ask this, should I be with someone just because they are close in age to me? What if we cannot relate? What about the baggage that comes with relationships? What about the blended family syndrome? Why should I settle for anything less than perfection?

History repeats itself...

We choose not to learn. Maybe, we forget, or we are stupid. I see it constantly. I have lived it myself. Objective observers can tell us exactly what's going to happen to us should we follow the path we choose. But, emotions override any logic that exists.

Age has nothing to do with it. Whether your 18 or 50, you'll fall into the trap. The trap I speak of is the person we know is unattainable, or rather, should not be attained!

You know what I mean. The person who has only recently ended a relationship, the person that our parents and friends hate, the person who we think we can save and change.

Don't lose yourself, but don't stop living. Knowledge of oneself and the situation will allow you to enjoy it and be prepared for the worst. Most of all, live the life you choose, with full accountability of your actions. It's fun.