The Grudge

I'm a grudge holder. I don't let things go. I have a "grudge cycle." I basically get pissed first. They I calm down so I can think straight. Then I start planning and scheming to get even. I often do nothing about it because, let's face it, there are ramifications to every action. But I don't let things go. I need vindication and closure and I believe that the reason I continue to hold the grudge is simply because I cannot get finality.

Floating...

It's like an out-of-body experience. Things don't work the way I want. I start to drift, but rather than drift away, I drift out of my life. I become numb to the feelings I should have. Sure, I experience them for a bit, but usually I wrap them up, pack them away and ignore them.
Our external world has such a deep impact on so many things.

In response to Andy Rooney...

Andy once did a segment, many of you have likely seen or been the recipient of an email, in which he praises women over 40. I actually saw the episode at the time it was aired. But in recently receiving the manuscript via email, it sparked me to respond as follows:

I actually saw this episode many many years ago - I may even have been 22 when this aired!!!

At the time I had a fascination with older women. In hindsight, it was my own inability to relate to, not only women, but most boys my age.

In older women I found they valued and appreciated me. For a time anyway!

In reality, none of us actually really age mentally or emotionally past a certain period. In most cases our life circumstances have a profound impact on our psyche. When I compare my friends who have younger children to those who are empty-nesters I see a youthfulness that is the direct result of their children. In my own life I have experienced so much change, so suddenly (as you know), that it was as if a "reset" button was hit. I'm growing up all over again.

There is a magic in all ages and all maturity levels. At different stages of or lives we require different stimulus. I praise all women, because, as I have learned, there is nothing on earth as valuable, precious and unappreciated as their gender.

What's really lost

The intimacy and connection of a lover is lost when the relationship ends. I have found the connection and ability to speak freely and openly exists long after the relationship ends. It's a shame most people cannot maintain these connections.

I ran into a former girlfriend recently. We hadn't seen each other for about 2 years. She was my first relationship as a newly single male then. While there was nothing other than two friends connecting after a very long time, it made me realize the most valuable aspect of any relationship is the bond, the friendship. I value my friendships above all else. My true friends know far too much about me. They know my weaknesses they don't judge me.

It's a shame we lose these friendships.

Embracing destruction

Or de-construction. Allowing things to collapse, to fail, to fall apart. Resist the fall. Embrace the destruction. It allows for new beginnings. A renaissance.
As I try to keep things together, they become more tenuous. A house of cards. Destruction isn't so bad. Is it?

Trying to change my nature...

Why do I bother? I've been complaining and fighting who I am for the past several months. I'm not like everyone else. I am very difficult to get along with. Friends - no problem. Lovers - no problem. Intimate relationships with women - that's just not my thing.

So what do I do? Do I embrace my plight? Why is it so difficult to admit or acknowledge that I am not like everyone else?

Many different lives...

People talk about past and futures lives. What if we are living one long continuum of lives? Some we are fully aware of, others vague memories. I'm not the man I was two years ago or a year ago or 10 years ago. Who I am has evolved so much and so rapidly (in retrospect) that I feel like I have lived several lives in my lifetime so far. I wonder how many more iterations I'll experience. 

Dilemma

A recent observation: Women are easily convinced of a man's infidelity. A man seeks incontrovertible proof before he will believe. 

Is this common? I'm not sure, I'd love to know. But, for what I have seen, it would appear that a woman can more readily cheat and fool her other half.

Body of lies...

One lie is NEVER enough. A lie is like creating an entire parallel universe. 

I recently was part of such an elaborate scheme. Unfortunately, I was the recipient of the basket of lies. It is not a pleasant feeling, however, I was surprised by how quickly I recovered.

What makes someone do things like that?