The day the earth stood still...

When I know, I know, yet sometimes I really had no idea that I had no clue and I knew nothing. I had a great conversation a couple nights ago and there was some strange lucidity to the comments that flowed from this woman's lips. "If you don't have a desire to marry her, then likely she's not the right person."

What the hell do I do with a comment like that? It was apropos of nothing! But then it seeped into my brain and sprouted a thought...

Over time we can convince, or even train ourselves, to believe we have deep feelings for someone. Case in point. If you have been with someone for a long period and everything seems to be "OK," the typical thought is "why change something that's working?" Well, then I had a different experience, which really aided me in fully understanding the entirety of that lucid comment. I met someone, who I immediately realized I wanted to marry and have little offsprings! I thought "what the hell is wrong???" I had never had that feeling before. What was worse, it didn't go away!

I'm starting to think there is something to this notion that if you don't "feel it" likely you never will (with that person).

Confidence: attraction or distraction?

I am sometimes embarrassed by the sheer volume of women I have met over the past couple of years. I'm sad to say that I have forgotten most. And the ONLY ones I seem to remember are the ones that were strange or pissed me off. What does that say about me?

One thing that I have found curious is the attribute of confidence. Too little or too much is not attractive. In fact, I find myself questioning why someone has so much confidence. I remember a quote by Cindy Crawford "what was she given in self-confidence that I wasn't?" of course, referring to J. Lo's huge ass. 

What makes these strange women stand out? I think it's a perversely misplaced confidence. I myself live by the notion that I want the people I come into contact with to remember me. No one remembers "regular" or "normal" people. 

When do we know?

"There's never a right time to say goodbye, but I gotta make the first move, 'cause if I don't you're gonna start hating me" 

A great lyric from a Chris Brown song. We've all been there. We're with someone, things change, not sure how or why. In one of my earlier posts I said there's only infatuation and love. As an addendum to that thought, I accept that love can evolve. But what happens to us? I don't want to explore why we fall out of love, but why is it that we stay silent. In the process of waiting we actually hurt the other person more. Then we start to get mad at them. We blame them. We become cowards. We want them to break up with us. That's why there are so many people with such negative experiences resulting from the cowardice of one.

Sadly, I've been on both sides. But, I learned that I can't be the coward. Funny enough, most of the women that have been a part of my life still remain in my life. But the one's that were cowards, well they aren't and I believe they feel the absence. Because all relationships make us who we are. 

Do we ever really want to know the answer?

And for that matter, do we ever really want to tell someone the real reason we haven't called them back, or cancelled at the last minute or mysteriously disappeared of the face of the planet?

I had a great conversation with an amazing woman recently. We actually explored this topic. Being as beautiful as she is, oh, and by the way, she has a wonderful personality, she had yet to experience the disappearing man, the lack of the promised phone call or any other form of follow-up. I explained that, in her case, no one in their right mind would not follow-up with her. It was then I realized the underlying problem so many of us face. We actually believe that people will do what they say, so we sit around waiting. When I stopped waiting and went on with my life, I had no time to wonder why some woman wasn't interested in me. The fact is, there are far many more that are interested. Besides, do I really want to hear someone say "I'm not really that interested" or "I'm not attracted to you." It's better I don't hear that. It's better you don't hear it either.

Media and beauty

I have an issue of grave importance. It relates to what we have been selling to youth. Now I realize my comments are generalization, but hear me out.

The media's portrayal of beauty and how it impacts young women. I had been told that women are, en masse, trying to meet the standards set by television. You know, thin, big boobs, great bod etc. Well, I think we did a great job telling girls NOT to pay attention because I have to say something. 

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED??????

This idea of loving one's body as it is and not worrying about appealing to anyone has become so pervasive that I have to say something. It's not right! The pendulum has swung way too far. Everywhere I go I see young women (I mean in their 20's) who are sloppy. They are overweight. They don't take care of themselves. What expectations do they have? Seriously, I won't date them. Even when I was a flabby man, I wouldn't. Now that I'm in great shape, what do you think has happened to my expectations.

We are promoting a culture, that I fear, will result in what I see when I visit the U.S. I have alway contended, and I do still believe this. In Canada we have the most beautiful women i have ever seen, but we are destroying that!!!

The other side of the story...

I'm starting to wonder how the "other" side of the story is told. I learn when I listen. I learn about the person, how they think, their value system, their flaws and their ability to be honest  - mostly to themselves. But mostly, as the selfish man I am, I learn about myself. I have such a hunger to sate, that I am constantly hoping for a morsel to feed this ravenous need.

I have told, as so many others, about my tale of woe. About how I was mistreated and taken for granted. I have heard similar stories from many women. It's only now, when I apply my own learning, much of which I have shared through this blog in previous entries, that I wonder what is told about me. That is a thought no one should ever think!  What if Im not this god-like creature I presume to be?

Well, I put my objective hat on and thought: what are my flaws? what attributes, habits, opinions, smells, anything! - what is it that can be said about me?

Perhaps all of my allegory tells the tale. I think too much. It's not my place to criticize me. Perspective is subjective on its best days. We should all listen to each others stories and accept them as they are told.

I'll continue to believe I am the best man for the job, otherwise, I won't believe in myself. Why should I continue to pursue perfection, when clearly, perfection is not a highly desired trait.

Pizza Libretto

This is a total non-sequitur, but Pizza Libretto was a complete and utter disappointment. Real Neopolitan Pizza my ass! There used to be a place up on Steeles Avenue in Woodbridge called La Madonnina, now they had great pizza.

I had to say something. 

Reason, Season, Lifetime...

I hate that little anecdote. I despise it because it makes me think that I am nothing more to someone than one of those first two types of relationships. I know it's supposed to help me get over why some relationships didn't work, but the fact is, it just makes me more upset.

To think I was nothing more than someone who came into someone's life to help them through a rough spot - do I hear "rebound?" 

Or that I passed through as a season would. Maybe it was just a physical affair. 

This stuff doesn't make me feel good! Whether I was the benefactor or beneficiary of the benefit does not make it any better.

So please, everyone, stop quoting this horrid horrid anecdote!!!!!

Pragmatic or problematic

Have we become a society that takes "don't settle" too far? Maybe we are a society moving towards pathological searching. Whenever I meet someone, there is a high probability they are single (including separated and/or divorced). When I ask why, most say they can't find someone they really like or feel chemistry.

I myself am starting to wonder why I am looking for that elusive chemical connection. Perhaps the more searching I do, the more I want and therefore I have become a victim of the quest. Maybe, just maybe, there is something to be said for sticking it out, even when things become unbearable. There has to be a point where two people in a relationship can break through the problem periods to enjoy the stronger bond developed through the problem.

Flashbacks

People seem curiously surprised upon discovering that "I" am single. Ok, wait. Let me restate that, WOMEN, seem surprised by this. What's shocking is that the next sentence out of their mouths is usually "oh, but you probably have a few girlfriends." WHAT???

What is the correlation between the two? Now, I'm not complaining. In fact, I like that my "brand" is that of a desirable male in the universe. But I'm starting to think this is impacting my ability to find this elusive female that will ultimately be by mate.  

Anyway, back to the question (why am I single). Immediately upon being asked this question, it's like I have a flashback to every crappy thing my ex did. Then I wonder what answer could this person possibly be looking for? Perhaps an insight into my shortcomings? Perhaps they like to bask in the glow of someone else's failed relationship? Not sure. I'm starting to think that I should give examples of how thoughtless and inconsiderate me ex was (maybe she still is!) I feel sorry for guy #80 (or 101, whichever it is). Then I realize that I am no longer AS bitter as I used to be and I need to move on.

And then they ask a REALLY tough question: how many women have you dated? Then I have a different flashback, or flashbacks...

a change of pace...

Our own insecurity can be a huge asset and hidden liability.

I have been discovering a phenomena that has me stumped. It started with an absurd remark, but has snowballed to epic proportions. Inflicting masses of females that come into contact with me. I don't even know what to call it, YET!

At some point I will start allowing these comments and behaviours to completely ruin me - turning me into an egomaniac the likes of Kanye West.

I am the first to admit I have some major insecurities. I think I'm too short, too skinny, no calves, I'm old, I'm weird... and the insecurities go on. But, my insecurities drive me to work on and correct or overcome my shortcomings. In the process, apparently, I am seeming to become quite a specimen (LOL)!!! I love that women, for the first time in my life, are feeling like I am "out of their league!" I find it ridiculous and very strange. At first, I thought it was an excuse. Which fed my insecurities. Now, I'm not so certain. So, the moral of today's post: imperfection is perfection. In a world where mediocrity is the standard, excellence is a fantasy.

Creatures of habit

I try to break the habit, but when I do, I find no solace, no peace, nothing I was hoping or expecting to find. I've become addicted to the search I think. Experimenting. Trying it on for size, so to speak. In the end, what works is the same old, same old that always worked.

In search of a feeling or a sequence of feelings or trying to recapture a sentiment and situation that existed so long ago.

Judging myself, while no one else does, trying to be the ideal, but for who's sake?

It weighs on me, it clouds me, it feels more like affliction than addiction.

Jealousy...

When asked if I get jealous, my answer is always the same... When I am interested in or trying to win a woman (and let's face it, hunting still occurs in the modern world) I am extremely jealous. But, why am I jealous? At that moment in time, I am my most insecure. There is someone I want and if she shows the slightest interest, or wait, TALKS to another man, I get overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy! Why competitiveness kicks in and I have to prove to her why I am the man she should be with!! 

Now. Once I have secured my prey (!!!) and she is clearly with me, my insecurities virtually disappear. Jealousy is distrust, insecurity and fear of loss. I believe if I am feeling jealous in a relationship, then obviously it's for a reason: I don't trust her or myself!

But, I have a question, do women like that touch of jealousy, overprotectiveness and this sense of being under the watchful eye of a man who protects her. It's all perspective after all.

Seeking Approval

A revelation! After years of trying to gain the approval of others I realized it was never anyone else that was judging me, it was me! OMG!

Here I was trying to impress people I didn't even know or care about. Then still judging myself. I set these expectations of what life was supposed to be like. When I got what I wanted, it wasn't what I expected, When I didn't get my way, I wasn't deserving. 

How did I get this way? Why would I, me, create expectations that no one else placed on me? Now, I'm not saying I should have been lazy or not try or not strive to achieve. What I'm saying is, how could I be so hard on myself? I disguised my own expectations of myself. I made it seem as if someone else expected that of me.

Part II

Having actually made a connection with three different women in my lifetime (so far, I expect to find it again) I can speak from both perspectives.

Finding someone that one connects with on multiple levels - emotional, physical, intellectual and spiritual - is unlike anything else. For instance, of the women that have passed through my life, I have forgotten some, miss others and some remain friends, BUT I could never just sit and do NOTHING with them. When I was in a relationship where I could really be me, not expected to have something funny or brilliant to say, not expected to look perfect all the time (although I do :P), it was a really liberating feeling. I didn't feel like I had to run. I wanted to see them, I wanted to spend more time with them. 

I suppose as a single person that's what I'm still looking for.

The other thing I miss the most is the sense of belonging and being part of a "micro" community.

Quest for desire...

The plot of the 1981 movie "Quest for Fire" is not about the search for fire, but rather, the quest for our own purpose, procreation and love. I know, I know, go throw up...

Fast forward 50 million years (not sure if it's just a few hundred thousand years ago, I embellish). Men and women still desire the same basics of survival. We act the same way, just a little more refined. I'm sure 50 million years from now, humans will study our existence, our mythology and say "wow, they were really backwards."

The search for women (from my perspective) has led me to try every known, and some less known, avenues to meet and connect with females in my quest. I'm not too proud to admit that there is no singular superior methodology of meeting females. I would therefore assume women are no more advantaged than men. 

Our society and even our cultures revere the "couple." Everything around us is structured to accommodate and reward those who have chosen coupledom. For instance, the "single supplement," when traveling. You pay more to occupy a room only because you have travelled alone. When I have dined on my own, I'm sure people are either feeling sorry for me or assume I am a business traveller. When I get invited anywhere, I constantly asked if I'm bringing my spouse or a guest. Everyone around me is coupled-off.

I, however, do not despair. For I know lurking in the hearts of all of those couples is the burning question: "would I have been better off single?"

My answer to those of you: "No."

Surprised? Let me tell you why. Remember, this is all a matter of perspective.

     to be continued...

age in the new age

I've never succumbed to the societal norm that one should be with someone close to one's age. Today, I'm certain I'm judged by the age of the women I date. To be clear, I have never chosen my mates based on their age. I date the women I relate to at the time. 

When I was younger, much younger, I was very "old" mentally.  I found myself associating with an older crowd, therefore older women. Today, my mentality is much different. I've loosened up, I'm in a "transitional" state of mind. I relate to women much younger.

There are so many judgements passed on us. We seek approval and make our decisions based on satisfying the nebulous "they." I'm not certain where or who I was seeking approval, but I now know that I cannot truly identify "them." Our society places a tremendous amount of pressure on us as individuals. For girls, it's the media view of beauty, for men, it's the accepted norm of being a provider. Make no mistake, one consistent complaint I hear from the most independent of women is they wish men were more "manly" and did all the things they grew up expecting. All those poor guys who are classified as "nice" don't stand a chance in a world where they are told to respect and appreciate women, treat them as equals and don't judge by external beauty.

Well, I have a shocking truth - men and women, both genders, have been so well programmed that we are both expected to know how to balance meeting the societal, traditional role norms and our new world reality of equality. Yes, I know there are always exceptions. But again, I'll contend that the most independent of women are only that way because they thought they had to do that or because they can't find a man to be a "man." That's pretty f--ked up if you ask me.

I don't understand...

I have yet to understand how or why women I am NOT interested in continually hunt me down lol. Like seriously! I want the girls I want to want me that much! I want them to force themselves on me lol.

Is it that I have no interest, so I seem more mysterious? More aloof? More desirable? Is it that because they want me I push them away or lose interest?

I know, I ask more questions than I have answers, but I suppose they are rhetorical in many ways. I do believe, fundamentally, all of us (men and women) want what we cannot have or what is perceived as difficult to get. Unfortunately, when we meet someone and want them our ability to stay calm, cool, aloof and distant is difficult - at best! We immediately play our hand,  we totally become complete losers! :-) I mean that in a sarcastic sense (maybe)

Interesting Lyrics...

I like this song, because I relate to the lyrics.

Sure, it's a bit of a cliché, using the metaphor of addiction, but let's face it, it's a damn good metaphor.

It also made me wonder; if I record a song and "feature" Justin Timberlake, will it be a hit?

How do you know?

Have you ever REALLY been in love? or was it merely an extended case of infatuation?

Love is defined as "a feeling of deep affection."

Infatuation is defined as "an intense, but short lived passion."

Hmmmmmmm.

Only people I've really loved weren't of the romantic variety, when I think about it. Even my longest relationships weren't really love. Besides, is it love if only one person is in love? What about if you're in a relationship and your partner loves you more than you will ever love them? Are you in love? 

I think it's infatuation if it doesn't last forever. Idealistic, yes. But, does anyone disagree? 

time/value consideration

What's the time/value/benefit derived from any relationship? In a business, career or any other non-romantic relationship we set boundaries, expectations, commitment levels (time and otherwise) based on our desired and actual outcomes. Simple. 

In romantic relationships we rarely look at it this way. Emotions determine our interest level, our time commitment and ultimate expectations. In every relationship, there is always one person "more" interested, committed etc. Always an imbalance.

Is it wrong to take a logical view? A business "transactional" view of a romantic relationship? What I mean is this - should both parties set out their specific expectations at the onset? Does this make for a better relationship?

I find myself consistently disappointed. I'm sure my expectations are way too high. But are they? If I commit to show interest, take initiative and invest in the relationship, should I not see an equal or greater return? Is my thinking way off??

Reality is never objective...

When it comes to relationships, all forms of them, each party has their own version of reality - a subjective reality. Ask two people what happened, you get two stories, from two different perspectives. 

When a relationship ends, one of you is hurt more than the other. The initiator has had plenty of time to mentally break-up, mourn the end of the relationship and begin to move on. Then you get the news - surprise! But, I argue that none of us who have ever been lucky (yes, lucky) to ever to have been in that position were really totally blindsided. We just had our own subjective reality. We are so blinded by our emotions and what we see the other person as, we fail to really look for a deeper meaning. After all, if we did that, we'd be suspicious, untrusting people right? There are so many perspectives, it's numbingly circular. 

Who's to say what you should do. I have been in both situations. Have you ever wanted to say something, but you didn't, then as time passes on it gets harder to say because then you get into the "why didn't you tell me earlier" scenario.

What's right? What's respectful? My view of the world is we all have to take responsibility for ourselves and our own happiness. I'm starting to believe that in order for you to be happy you have to make YOU the priority. I don't think being selfish is necessarily wrong. What good are you to you and everyone around you if you are unhappy with the decisions you make? What happens when you don't ask or demand what it is you need or want?