Rollercoasters

I hate them. They make me want to puke. I never liked them. Yet my life is one. My heart and my penis are one. There is no in between. I actually fall in love with women until I sleep with them. It makes me laugh at myself. I remember in my not-so-distant past, when it would take me a few weeks to get a woman in bed. I would pitch woo as only a man in love could! Then, after I got her, well, you know. One girl actually reminded me of all the wonderful things I said and wrote (she kept everything). It was very surreal to read the garbage I actually wrote with my penis, er, my heart, ummm, you know what I mean. That stuff actually works!

Baggage is an STD

I was healthy once, well, healthier anyway. In my naivety, I chased and allowed myself to fall for women with considerable baggage. I now have a tractor trailer load of baggage. I suppose I could also call it life lessons. Either way, they are the    things I watch for, refuse to accept and have coloured my view of women.

In what seems like an endless conversation, I find myself acutely aware of my deal breaker list, but really, everything is on that list! My filter for a possible mate is so fine that I am 99.3% positive no woman will succeed at passing through each one.

So, my question is, what is worse, a physical disease or emotional scarring? I don't like either, but I enjoy being healthy, at least I have that.

Time favours men

There are a few women in my life (that I have dated) who have hit the age where they are now fighting to maintain their looks. They're very attractive women, even hot, but after that age (it really is different for every woman) they start the decline. Their skin visibly changes. Not just its appearance, but also its texture and feel. Everything seems different. I lived in a world of no comparison until I was single. Then everything became apparent to me.

Hate me for saying this, but I have become better with age. Even more so than most guys my age. I fall within the smaller group of guys that improve with age. I enjoy every second of it.

Closer to understanding...

Or maybe closer to accepting. I now know what I dislike, specifically. I dislike that I have yet to feel that I receive what I should in any of my past relationships. Well, I will exclude my recreational relationships. Those are straight forward. I have always felt I have given more than I received. And when I think about it, I know I'm not being subjective.

As long as I cannot get over that expectation that every woman gets way too much from me, I don't believe I will ever be prepared to give 100%.

I'm selfish

Ever had an epiphany? I had one today. I have always said I was selfish, but never KNOWN TRULY that I am selfish. It was a slow progression. I started off being a considerate, caring and generous guy. Then I slowly devolved into the man I am today.

Inventing myself

Being a chameleon is not easy, for that matter, neither is being oneself. Every time I meet a new prospective girlfriend, I start as myself. I adjust the information I share and my reactions and interactions. I do so in order to make the best first impression, other wise known as "making the sale."

I don't always make the sale, but I have a very good closing ratio. It becomes frustrating when I cannot complete the sale sometimes. These women become a long term goal. When I consider the fact that eventually I get what I want, I know it's merely an investment of time and patience.

Unfortunately, once I get the object of my distraction, I feel fulfilled. Then I move on. 

Going, going, gone...

Learning from the past requires the ability to analyze a multitude of variables. After careful study there are a few variables that seem curiously significant. Laugh all you want, but birth sign plays a role.

With that in mind, I endeavour to seek out certain signs to test my thesis. So far, Libras are bad. So are Aquarius, Aries and Scorpios. Eventually, I hope to determine the signs that work. This way I have a better than average chance of succeeding. Then again, I'm sure I'll discover other meaningful variants that impact the survivability of a relationship.