Start of a New Year!

Hey, since I'm up, thought I'd post entry number 1 for 2011. I wonder if anyone reads this anymore? I check my stats and clearly there are. I wonder if anything I say has any kind of minute impact on anyone.

The streets of Toronto are filled with people rushing around screaming, some a little drunk ;)

We need to celebrate more. People seem to be have high hopes for each new year. Each year it will be "their" year. I do wish them well, but I have to ask, why not just start. Pick any day. Decide to change your life. Stop waiting.

End of another Year

Ok, I suppose this is my year end blog post. Gotta get one in! It was a long time ago that I started this as a way to deal with my hurt and anger. My report back is that I'm much better and to quote U2 "a heart that hurts, is a heart that beats." 

We can't really enjoy life without the contrast of failure and hurt. I would hope that at some point I'd get better at dealing with the personal risks. 

I don't do resolutions. Resolutions should be fluid and part of our self improvement, if we care to improve. Another day, another day to heal is the lesson I have learned.

Balancing logic and emotions

Whenever I find myself getting too emotional I rely on my negotiation skills. An important concept in negotiations is not being over zealous. I counter my desire my ensuring I have options. This way, I am not fully vested into anyone.

I know that sounds cold, but within the context of dating, I keep my options open at all times. I don't burn my ships right away and go full on into "this is the person." That's a huge mistake which clouds my judgement and my ability to control supply and demand. 

Can't be what I'm not

Baggage, no baggage, patterns, no patterns, unrealistic expectations, no expectations, none of it matters. At my core, I am who I am. I am over analytical. I measure and weigh. I observe and deduce. I mostly strive to be brutally honest with myself. No point in lying to me!

What I have realized is I just don't want a relationship bad enough. When I want something badly, I work my ass of to get it. When I don't, well, that's where the term "half-ass" originates.

Ideas

Powerful, yet fragile. We all know the Victor Hugo quote "there's nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come." All great achievements and endeavours began as a simple idea. Relationships are no different.

What happens along the way? Do we build our empire only to see it torn apart by individual wants and desires? There will always be those who live and die by the idea, but ideas are indeed fragile. They must be vigilantly defended and nurtured. Our failures, our weaknesses, our inability to stay the course. I think these are the things that ultimately lead to our demise.

We look back at our glory days, the good times. What happens? They are moments in time. Then other small things erode those great times, our victories. 

Insecurities surface

Only when I become attracted enough to become vulnerable do I then fully experience my insecurities. It's been so easy categorizing my relationships into meaningful friendships and recreational pursuits.

Why did I choose to go down this road again. Old feelings of trust, rejection and abandonment surface. Why do emotions complicate things? Living with heart doesn't offer any more upside highs than living thoughtfully and logically. In fact, I think it's just plain stupid.

Sail on…

OK, so I listen to Lionel Ritchie. The man has made some great music. I was recently listening to "Sail on" and I was taken by the lyrics. All I can say is listen to it. Sail on :)

In nothing, there's something

I have been feeling extremely emotionally healthy. It sort of crept up  on me. In looking back almost 4 years now, I knew the day would come, the day I didn't feel hurt or pain. I do hang on to some anger, purposefully. I have always done that as a defense mechanism.

But this nothingness has become something new. I feel no void in my life. I have no desire or wish to nest or to mate. I'm not quite sure what I feel. When I figure it our I'll let you know.

Getting even

Revenge is never recommended, but admittedly, it is very satisfying. I've had cause over the years to exact my anger against those who have deserved it. (Writing this makes me laugh). 

Evolution and innovation

How did we get here? I mean, how did we get to the point where we feel compelled to follow in the footsteps of our ancestors. In every other part of life there is innovation and improvement. Movement away from how things have been done to a better way. Why are relationships any different?

We do exactly as everyone before us has done. You've all heard this before: The definition of insanity is continually doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Is anyone REALLY happy?

Think about this… why do any of us stay in a monogamous relationship? Is it because that other person makes us so happy we can't imagine our lives without them? or… Is it that we are so jealous that the thought of the person being with someone else makes us insecure? or… Do we think that we will never find anyone else ever again?

I have to tell you all, the more I think of the other feelings the more I wonder. None of us are hideous. If any of us are, well, then we all are. 

Lying can be good

It allows us to start over. Telling the truth doesn't always serve us best. I lie. I lie to get want I want, but I also lie when I need the other person to allow me to start over.

If I live up to what I promise after I lie, is it bad?

Hearts don't break

I had a moment of clarity today. The myth of the broken heart. It's not that our hearts break. It's the combination of denial, anger, confusion and general irrational jealousy that swirls around inside. 

In the absence of jealousy, which in reality is plain old insecurity, we are really sane and emotionally (sort of) individuals. 

Everyday life just isn't romantic

It's tough to be in the mood when all we deal with is being busy keeping our lives together: waking up way too early, getting your kids up, getting them ready, getting everyone to where they need to go, only to do it all at the end of the day. Then the really awful part is going on vacation and it's a rush to enjoy the precious few days. I finally get it.

Being single isn't much different because life tends to get in the way. And anything can ruin a romantic atmosphere.

Where is this thing going?

Why is it that women always want to know our future intentions? The question almost always comes up just when things are seemingly perfect. 

Every little thing she does is…

Annoying and frustrating. My threshold for tolerance has diminished over time. It's getting worse. Everything the women in my life do is not magic. It's a pain in the ass.

Living every second

Age is bearing down on me. I feel it. I have this burning feeling that I have to take bigger chances and bigger risks. I am worried that I am running out of time. 

Acceptable sub-culture #1 (of a series)

The Double life.

Girls that have boyfriends that seek excitement and adventure elsewhere. They will do and try ANYTHING. Things they won't do with their boyfriends. They talk the talk and put on a great show. They are the girls who teach Sunday school, work at daycare, live with their parents and have commitment rings. 

Then they spend the night with me and one of their friends. ;) Yes, exactly what you think. Then they share everything they can't talk about to anyone, but me, because I'm in with them. It makes me wonder how many similar experiences women in my past may have had. Was I the dope of the past?

So far away…

I'm sure I'm not alone. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels "outside" of the norm. Society, as I see it, it not inclusive. It's about sub-sectors and sub-cultures. Everyone seems like they fit in, but I've seen and experienced things that have truly made me feel further outside.

Amazingly, nothing I could tell you would surprise you. You'd likely not even blink. But from my perspective, living it makes it hard to accept people strictly by what they pretend to be.

What we all experience…

This is perfect.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hfl9e53LX_U

Waking up alone

As I lie in bed, yes, I'm writing from my bed, I'm pleased that I don't have to wake up next to someone on a rainy Sunday morning. I love that I can do whatever it is I want without having to consider or compromise with someone else. 

Phone voice

I've concluded that the promulgation of texting has caused the stunting or retardation of development of conversation and even the way people sound on the phone.

Specifically, girls I date are awful on the phone! They sound monotone and completely the opposite of who they are in person.

The Prodigal Son

Unfortunately, I never get to go home and "be saved." I've sometimes wondered what it would be like to be rescued. I have had tastes of it. My friend's have certainly saved me a few times.

But I suppose what I finally understand about that parable is that people who do not go and do foolish things often go unrecognized and unrewarded. Those of us that make mistakes, make foolish choices and squander our fortunes are the ones who are rewarded. Why did I wait so long in my life to be so foolish?

Things I lost

Of all of the things I've lost in my life so far, the things that I realize that I miss the most are:

1. my naiveté: every time my heart was broken, it healed, but the scar tissue has hardened it;

2. my ability to see the good in people: I really am approaching becoming skeptical, not quite a cynic just yet. I still go in believing in the best, but I watch for the signs!

3. I'm no longer a gentleman. Yes, sad to say this. I treat a woman on the first date as any other person (which is still really good anyway).

4. If I don't get laid within max 3 dates, I'm gone: this is just practical.

5. I am extremely selfish: It's all about me now. I really don't even care if the women I date have a good time or not. As long as I look good, it strokes my ego and I get what I want, well, I'm happy.

None of these things were ever me. No one is to blame. I won't make excuses for my reactions and choices. It is what it is.

Accountability is scarce

Nothing is certain when it comes to women. Now, I know this is a general statement, so for those females that actually do what they say, you likely still know what I'm talking about.

The Swiss are known for their precision time pieces. You can set your watch by it! What I've come to accept, after many attempts at refusing to accept the truth, is that most women can never be on time of be counted on. In business, this is not true, but in life, yes.

Point of no return

Life has changed so much for me. I find myself wondering if I can go back. It's like I ate the fruit from the forbidden tree and now I'm much more "knowledgee." I'm glad life threw me a couple curves. I would not have done and experienced what I have.

Happiness is not conditional

We've all seen the eHarmony commercials. You know, the ones where people claim that they are officially happy now that they are no longer alone. When did our individual happiness become conditional upon finding this elusive mate?

When I think of my past relationships I think of the insecurities that being with someone created. Now, I have said that I preferred being in a relationship, but for context, it's better than constantly hunting for a mate.

Rollercoasters

I hate them. They make me want to puke. I never liked them. Yet my life is one. My heart and my penis are one. There is no in between. I actually fall in love with women until I sleep with them. It makes me laugh at myself. I remember in my not-so-distant past, when it would take me a few weeks to get a woman in bed. I would pitch woo as only a man in love could! Then, after I got her, well, you know. One girl actually reminded me of all the wonderful things I said and wrote (she kept everything). It was very surreal to read the garbage I actually wrote with my penis, er, my heart, ummm, you know what I mean. That stuff actually works!

Baggage is an STD

I was healthy once, well, healthier anyway. In my naivety, I chased and allowed myself to fall for women with considerable baggage. I now have a tractor trailer load of baggage. I suppose I could also call it life lessons. Either way, they are the    things I watch for, refuse to accept and have coloured my view of women.

In what seems like an endless conversation, I find myself acutely aware of my deal breaker list, but really, everything is on that list! My filter for a possible mate is so fine that I am 99.3% positive no woman will succeed at passing through each one.

So, my question is, what is worse, a physical disease or emotional scarring? I don't like either, but I enjoy being healthy, at least I have that.

Time favours men

There are a few women in my life (that I have dated) who have hit the age where they are now fighting to maintain their looks. They're very attractive women, even hot, but after that age (it really is different for every woman) they start the decline. Their skin visibly changes. Not just its appearance, but also its texture and feel. Everything seems different. I lived in a world of no comparison until I was single. Then everything became apparent to me.

Hate me for saying this, but I have become better with age. Even more so than most guys my age. I fall within the smaller group of guys that improve with age. I enjoy every second of it.

Closer to understanding...

Or maybe closer to accepting. I now know what I dislike, specifically. I dislike that I have yet to feel that I receive what I should in any of my past relationships. Well, I will exclude my recreational relationships. Those are straight forward. I have always felt I have given more than I received. And when I think about it, I know I'm not being subjective.

As long as I cannot get over that expectation that every woman gets way too much from me, I don't believe I will ever be prepared to give 100%.

I'm selfish

Ever had an epiphany? I had one today. I have always said I was selfish, but never KNOWN TRULY that I am selfish. It was a slow progression. I started off being a considerate, caring and generous guy. Then I slowly devolved into the man I am today.

Inventing myself

Being a chameleon is not easy, for that matter, neither is being oneself. Every time I meet a new prospective girlfriend, I start as myself. I adjust the information I share and my reactions and interactions. I do so in order to make the best first impression, other wise known as "making the sale."

I don't always make the sale, but I have a very good closing ratio. It becomes frustrating when I cannot complete the sale sometimes. These women become a long term goal. When I consider the fact that eventually I get what I want, I know it's merely an investment of time and patience.

Unfortunately, once I get the object of my distraction, I feel fulfilled. Then I move on. 

Going, going, gone...

Learning from the past requires the ability to analyze a multitude of variables. After careful study there are a few variables that seem curiously significant. Laugh all you want, but birth sign plays a role.

With that in mind, I endeavour to seek out certain signs to test my thesis. So far, Libras are bad. So are Aquarius, Aries and Scorpios. Eventually, I hope to determine the signs that work. This way I have a better than average chance of succeeding. Then again, I'm sure I'll discover other meaningful variants that impact the survivability of a relationship.

What's the point?

I'm a huge proponent of relationships, yet I don't "feel" it for myself. 

That thought hangs over me constantly. I realized some time ago that I discovered the wizard behind the curtain. My experiences have shown me things that dishearten me. My conversations with women have opened my eyes. It's hard to be an idealist when my exploits have tarnished my core beliefs.

Why do women cheat?

Different reasons than men mostly. Sure there are similar reasons, but from what I have experienced, witnessed and participated has peeled away another layer of the female mystique.

There's nothing wrong with the men these women cheat on. It's usually something conjured up in their minds. One girl swore to me she was single and no longer seeing her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was unambitious and spoiled. Had everything handed to him. He was boring. Fortunately for me I don't take anything women say as gospel. I read between the lines. Highly subjective creatures women. 

Usually a woman cannot explain why they do it. I can. They are cowards. Men cheat for completely different reasons. Women use it as a method to be prepared to break up, or cause a break up or other insidious reasons. They don't do it because they are always neglected or a man cannot take care of them. Sure there are men that prey on women who are experiencing challenging times in their relationships. But I look deeper. 

It's simpler when we each get what we want

Occurs to me that the best interactions, I use that in place of relationships, are simplest when each participant knows, and gets, what they want. I have had a multitude of these. I've had the more societally accepted relationships as well. 

As I walk through many cities alone and observe the various cultures, we are more similar than not. Couples. Everyone's a couple. All at various points in their relationship cycle. I sometimes feel as if I have become too aware. My awareness leads me to simplicity.

Players

All of us play parts at different times throughout our relationships. Often times, the beginning of a relationship is largely a series of false, controlled impressions designed to achieve a desired result: attract the other person. It's no wonder that so many relationships fail after a period of time. Funny enough, many of us have no interest in the "real" person initially. We all have expectations that we project onto others. Everyone is afraid to be themselves. 

Insecurities

History, paranoia, our own weaknesses and transgressions form our insecurities. "The thief never trusts anyone else" applies. I've often wondered why people are so insecure in their relationships. Maybe for good reason. But I wonder, do they manifest that which they fear most. People who fear infidelity - do they drive their partner to that? In that case, both parties have culpability.

Can't decide

There are women I have slept with in the past and every now and then I have a craving for them. It's really strange I think. It's like craving a certain cuisine or being "in the mood for..."

Yes, I'm comparing women to food. There's much in common between the two :) You can figure that out for yourself.

When did things change

It happens so slowly. It's almost as if it happened over night. We change. Our feelings change. Then it's a downward spiral. If only we could know in advance, but then again we may never take chances. I'm always shocked when people divorce. Even when I kinda knew it would happen. They go from being so into each other to hating one another.

We're really fickle I think. I love someone one day, the next day, I'm done with them. It only seems that way. What really happened is the slow erosion of trust through singular and often times small actions.

Fear forces our hand

I wonder if I would have ended up settling into a relationship had I not endeavored to learn how to date. It makes me question the circumstances by which others have fallen into their relationships.

Recently, I was discussing my exploits with someone who seemed amazed. I was struck by the fact that this guy is super successful and confident and he seemed like a good guy. Yet, he admitted his own fear and insecurities around interacting with women.

It mad me wonder. Do we just grab what we find and hold onto it without question or is that just a better way?

Be Blunt

Never be afraid. Swing for the fences. Rock the boat. 

It is true. When I don't care, I say what I really feel, without fear of repercussion, it usually turns out better. Not necessarily good, but better. Being a chameleon, changing to meet the needs of others is never a great thing. To quote someone who quoted someone else, "I don't know the secret to success, but I do know the key to failure: trying to please everyone."

The difference

I made her leave after I was done because there was no reason for her to stay. Made me think. Made me wonder. Per my previous post, if all p---y is the same, then what makes me constantly want another woman?

When the levee breaks

I love to push the limits with the women I know. I want to see how far and how much I can stretch their limits. I believe it's my way of forcing them away. It's a lot like the art of negotiating. If I act or convince myself that I don't want something I can push hard. 

5 hours in a car

You learn a lot about a person driving for that much time together. Every so often, it's a good choice! I recently drove with a new employee for about that time. The relevance to my blog: he made a comment regarding his 20 year plus relationship. He's very happy. They have no kids. His comment: If anything happened to their relationship or he lost her, he said he would only need a "hooker and a maid." I know that's really base and probably too crass for your innocent ears, but I understood what he meant. Ultimately, as we age, it becomes really difficult to go out and find someone to invest in emotionally. I think I was there a while ago.

It's all the same, only the names change...

That's the first line in the Bon Jovi song "Wanted: Dead or Alive."

I can apply that statement to any number of situations in life, but since this is my blog on dating women, well, I'll correlate it to women.

First situation: An older guy recently emailed me to ask me about his girlfriend lol. How and why did he contact me? My email was in her contact list and yes, she and I did see each other. Here's a guy that is possessive, jealous and old. He's dating a 22 year old and expects her to want to act like a 30 year old in a relationship. The point, as it relates to this story and the statement above: at 22, all p---y is just that, p---y. 

Second situation: I was recently seeing a girl less than half my age, wait, that's a common occurrence lol. Anyway, I tell her that I'm not looking for anything serious or ongoing. I tell her that women fulfill a need in my life right now, nothing else. Now she thinks I'm the guy she needs to be with!! Anyway, the story never changes, just the actors.

Life, or something like it...

Serial daters, serial monogamists, serial (fill in the blank)...

It never dawned on me, perhaps I've said it before, if not then it's been on my mind. It has to do with the lies we tell ourselves. The lies that I have heard. Maybe even told myself. I know so many people looking for love. They are in love with falling in love. Then they love the feeling of abandon and impatience to see that new love of their life. Then when they're tired they break-up and look for the next experience.

We should clearly articulate what it is we want from others. I myself, well, I think I do that. It sometimes even works. I sometimes offend. I sometimes scare. All in all, I'm true to me.

Before the day ends

This is always a weird day for me - every year. I hate this day. Even though today was actually a great day. Some things stick with us. How I deal with things I want to forget is simple. I remind myself why I should forget. Why it's not a good thing. Too often we harken back to positive memories. This is a time when I actually NEED to think negatively!! 

Small talk

I've, sadly, gotten to a point where I just don't care to make small talk. It seems so pointless. After all, I only want to get to the point. There's a time limit. If we don't act quickly we lose the chemistry that exists for a precise point in time.

Small talk is the ultimate "un" aphrodisiac.

Truth in advertising...

We all dress well, present well, try so hard to make a great first impression. What happens when we can't keep that up? I try to be me, clutzy, I say the wrong things, I say too much, I act aloof... all things that I do on a normal day. I like to think I am an accurate representation of what's to come in the future.

Unfortunately, some of the women I meet misrepresent themselves when I meet them. That sucks.

Burberry scarves and other things...

I realized some time ago that I could give girls really nice things. Things they'd appreciate and perhaps they may prove deserving. Then I bought this quite exquisite Burberry scarf. I mean, I loved this thing. I bought it in Switzerland. It was f#@king expensive. I almost gave it to this girl because she had one and had lost it, but who knows, maybe she lied about that too!

I had this scarf sitting in a Burberry bag, all wrapped in Burberry stuffing lol. It's cold outside. I didn't give it to her. I wear it. I deserve it. It makes me feel warm.

So the lesson learned, once again, is buy myself nice stuff because I deserve it and I appreciate me.

I think we all need to appreciate ourselves more.

Snoring, teeth grinding and sleeping over

The first two are among the reasons I don't like women sleeping over. I can't sleep with someone else in my bed or in my condo for that matter.

Women feel extremely comfortable around me and they just fall asleep and act like it's totally fine to stay over.

Addicted to youth

Young women are the most awesome thing on earth. As women age they get better, no doubt about that, but there's something I love about girls under 24. I was thinking about a bartender I met a couple summers ago. She's an amazing, bright, engaging girl. She turned 21 last year.

In the time we've known each other we have become close. She has a boyfriend. She told me that the day we met. We have sex occasionally. She still has a boyfriend. I know, we probably suck, but the fact is, we give each other something we each need. I like that we have total open and honest, no holds barred discussions. Very few people know the things we know about each other.

Distance

I can be distant when I feel as if I am not being treated with the attention and appreciation I deserve. Many women have experienced it. I get distant, removed, quiet. I'm not rude, but I certainly don't speak as much. I'm not as outgoing as I am normally and I don't try as hard. I become indifferent.

It only occurs after I have invested my energy, my time, my interest and effort into making her feel good. For some reason, many women take this for granted. I don't like that. If I don't "feel the love" or get the attention I deserve, I'm done.

Why do we forget

I don't forget much, but I have forgotten a lot of women. That really bothers me. I sometimes sit and think about the ones I have forgotten. I may remember faces, but I can't remember their names.

I know the loss of memory is a coping mechanism. Unfortunately, I never forget the ones I NEED and WANT to forget. The ones that I fall for, the ones that make me crazy and make me act irrationally. Doing crazy and stupid things that I later regret.

Needs and wants

I'm not sure how to categorize my desires. Some may seem like wants, but they are really needs. Some I feel are needs, but really they are wants. Let me illustrate.

I really need a girlfriend that appreciates me etc etc. But I think this is a want rather than a need.

I really want a sexy young girl to be available when I want her to be. This isn't a want, it's actually something I need.

It's all perspective.

We didn't know until we were told

As I am continually being told, by advertising, "this may be the year I find that special someone." I never thought of this before, but it occurred to me as I watched this online dating commercial, that the situation so many of us find ourselves has been carefully crafted and created.

How many of us knew we were really alone or that we hadn't found that "special someone" until we were told that this mythical person may exist!

I forgot to finish the last post

The first girl I met, I met from a website. She was 31 at the time. After a few phone calls we knew we had the ability to converse, so it seemed worth a lunch. When we met she said something to me that was such a keen insight into me that even I didn't know it.

She said that she got the sense I was not serious about getting into a relationship. That I was looking for something a little more recreational. Her biological clock was ticking and she knew she needed a guy that would marry her and start a family.

We stayed in touch and we still talk occasionally, three years later. Well, she was right. I love sleeping with lots of women. And I still do. She got married about a year ago. She recently got divorced. In the time she was off the market, I think I slept with about two dozen women :)

Who was first

As a newly single male three years ago, I was really lost. I did, what I suspect most guys who have been out of the dating pool for as long as I was, did. I thought immediately that I needed to find a replacement/rebound/distraction female. But I knew better this time around. And since I was living at my friends' house, my choices were limited.

I decided I'd try online dating. It had worked once before during one of the few times I broke up with the same woman. It should work again. Sad to say, it didn't. It was a rude awakening and almost the exact thing I didn't need right then. It was a total insecurity enhancing place.

I have never been the guy that women see in pictures and immediately fall in love with. If I was, I'd be an actor. It also occurred to me that being on a regular dating site offered no unique selling proposition for me. Afterall, I was 38, unemployed and living in my friends' guest bedroom.

Art of negotiation

When I truly have no interest in someone, I have all the power. I can name "my price" so to speak. It's easy to get what I want. But who wants to be in a situation like that? I have certainly taken advantage of that situation when it has presented itself.

Karma seems to give us opportunities to have our cake and eat it too especially when we have been on the receiving end of a bad deal. lol

Every date is a negotiation. That's the approach I take. I evaluate what I have to offer then I weigh it against what the girl has to offer me. What throws this thesis out the window is me not going in with my lack of interest. If I am genuinely interested and want the girl, I don't fully value my assets.

I love white women :)

Not to say I haven't tried the other flavours :) But, it took me 40 years to do it! And I have to admit that I still love my women white, preferably of European origin. I love Olive Skin too. :)

I have yet to figure out why I'm the way I am, but I can say I have ventured from my customary diet.

Women are truly awesome.

Slip slidin' away...

This Paul Simon song speaks to many people. If not for the specifics, for the general message and tonality.
How many of us have been complicit in our own lives. Failed to make the decisions we should have. Taken a chance, left a situation when we should have, not when circumstances force us. Far too many of us have small regrets. None are major. We lie to ourselves and say there are no regrets we have.
I use regret to change my behaviours. Live.

First of 2010

Hurt lingers when love never fully ends. Do we ever stop caring for the ones we once loved. The feelings change. The hurt is different.

I'm a better man. Smarter. Smarter in the realization that I am forever learning and curious and willing to consistently get hurt.

I'm accepting my desire, need and sheer physical hunger to feast on the pleasure that surrounds me.