Sure signs...

I know the signs. F--k! I think I'm better at telling everyone else what they are!!! I've found that this blog is my outlet to vent. For my own sake! I know when a woman is interested and I DEFINITELY know when she isn't or when something else is going on. 
One of these days I'll write about a psychopath of a woman that somehow roped me into her game.

Scar tissue...

I'm not an athlete, but of those that I know, it's common that there are old wounds that are sometimes aggravated by new or different stimuli. 

Emotional wounds are much the same. In this respect, I am an athlete. I am extremely brave in venturing into old and familiar territory. Much easier to aggravate to old wounds. What really sucks is that I feel as if I have gone backwards after the new hurt.

Makes me wonder if the new pain actually compounds the old wound. I suppose I must never have developed the scar tissue.

The Game

I still love this movie that starred Michael Douglas and Sean Penn - it's now 12 years old! It was released in 1997. I thought about the movie today, not because I saw it recently, but because I was thinking of a little game I have been a participant in for about a year and a half.
I won't go into the details, but ultimately it comes down to this. Some people love to play "the game" - as Lady GaGa calls it "The Love Game." I'm certain it has nothing to do with love. Love, in my opinion, is pure, is honest, is everything good. "The Game" we play should be called the "Hate and Disrespect Game."
Tactics and strategies to keep another person interested is about manipulation not truth. If it's honest then it'll happen. If not, we just continue to play a game no one wins.

Same Actions... Different Results

I'm starting to sound like a broken record. Why, why, why? Why am I 40, a fine human male specimen, yet single. I kinda know why, but I am trying to prove everyone wrong. Only thing is, I'm the one being proven wrong. So, when should I change? I don't really feel like changing, not yet anyway. Why am I wanting something different?

Maybe I am Peter Pan. Not because I wear green tights.

Today's word: Reciprocity

It's a simple concept that MOST people are aware of, some even practice it. I suppose I'm guilty of withholding sometimes.

I never give or do with the intent that the recipient be obliged to me, but at some point I really start to ask myself if I am being foolish.

Reciprocity, to me, is a demonstration of one's intent and what is in one's heart.

Shawshank Redemption...

What a great movie. Thought about it today. "Get busy living or get busy dying"

I get caught up in situations. I want things so bad I become so focussed, despite the odds of success.

Relationships are likely one of the most, if not the most, uncontrollable. I want things that I want, when I want them. Whether or not they're good or right for me.

Cutting bait...

I know the signs. You know of what I speak. The signs: whether a woman is interested or not. On one of my many plane trips I watched a funny movie "He's just not that into you." I can't really remember the point of the movie with feeling like crap on the plane and all, but the theme was girl thinks every guy is into her so gets swept up in an imaginary romance only to discover it was all her own folly.

Then there's me. I love every woman. Well, at least for a little bit. Then I start seeing things that piss me off. Then I become an a--hole. Then it falls apart. From what I can tell, excuse or not, it's a result of my own unrealistic expectations.

You know when it feels right... maybe

I'm not bothered by the fact that I'll be 41 soon. I'm not even troubled that I'll be single. I am perplexed by my lack of success in the area of retention of female companions.

I had said before that the only consistent in every one of my relationships is: ME. I believe I have identified the core issue: it's ME.

I have the ability to attract women. Even go out with me a couple times. Hey, in general, I'm fairly lucky, most will even sleep with me. Strangely, they all want to stay friends or something along those veins. But nothing seems to last very long.

When I think about the ones that did, they really were no different. The ones that stayed longer were themselves conflicted. They wanted me in their lives, but not as their boyfriend or companion.

hmmmm...

I'm a better person when I'm single...

It occurred to me that it's only when I'm single that I focus on myself and therefore improve and become better. I take better care of myself, I invest in me.

Then I decide to start dating...

Becoming an Expert

We are all functioning dysfunctionals I think. Our experiences have left us all damaged and hurt, even when we think we're totally healed and fine. The damage is, we trust less, we withhold more, we chose partners that are totally wrong for us - all those actions are the manifestations of the past hurt. The only way through, I believe, is to risk - risk everything - risk being hurt again and again. A book I recently read talked about putting in 10,000 hours (at whatever our vocation) in order to become an expert. Too many people never accomplish their dreams because they give up too soon. The same vigour and diligence and passion we invest in our careers or businesses should be the same energy level and commitment we invest in our personal lives, but we don't. Those that do, succeed.

The unattractiveness of showing attraction...

Isn't it ironic? It has nothing to do with being a "bad boy" or wanting what we can't have. I think it's about being "normal." I have observed that I can go overboard.

Dr. Jekyll or the Nutty Professor...

I'm a different guy with different women. Sometimes my confidence is through the roof! Other times I'm a clingy needy emotional mess. Sometimes I'm totally indifferent and once in a while I'm a total douche bag.

So, what cause this? Is there an X factor that releases some chemical in my brain that turns me into one of a variety of Mr. Hydes?

Should relationships be this difficult? If I'm thinking this much maybe she's just not worth it?

Taking my own advice

I had to call someone else today to rant about a situation. Why? Because I couldn't think straight to know what I should do.

Every now and then I read my past entries and you know what? I should listen to what I have to say. It's not advice, just observations. Yet why is it the lessons I've learned seem so hard to implement or even remember when I need them? That's a lesson I have yet to learn.

Mid-life crisis or just a late bloomer

I read an article that outlined the symptoms of a mid-life crisis. Interestingly, it only takes one position. I have another.

Some men, like myself, start early in life and focus on work or career. I didn't have a relationship with a woman until very late in my twenties. I never partied, I never did crazy things because I always felt I had to stay in control, be responsible. I don't think I missed out at all. I do think that I lacked the confidence and the head space to enjoy myself.

"It's not until we lose everything that we are free to do anything." - one of the many great lines from "Fight Club". (yes, I know the periods are in different places with respect to the quotations.)

I am now, at 40, more confident in myself and ready to take on experimentation and trial. I can let loose finally. I'm not struggling with who I am or who I am not. I just am. I've always have a little sports car, that's nothing new. I've always dressed well and youthful, that's nothing new. So, I say, mid-life crisis doesn't apply to all of us.

Get what you give...

First, remember this is written from a male perspective, but I don't consider myself the averge male. I am somewhat evolved or enlightened or just different. But, that's a whole different blog entry.

Lately I've become aware of an interesting dynamic - projection. I am likely one of the most honest, genuine and sincere people anyone will ever meet. I do what I say, even when situations change and I have a good reason to change. When I am mistrusted I get pissed. Then, guess what? I start to become an a--hole. I actually become what the person projected onto me. Funny or strangely enough, then they seem ok.

Behaviours like this reinforce my belief that most women (and men I'm sure) cannot accept seemingly smooth interactions. I'm not perfect. No one is.

I need a pace car...

A pace car is used at some race tracks, most notably the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. It allows for a rolling start. Every car gets to warm up and all the cars are moving at the same speed. Now, in Formula One, it's totally different. Standing start. Everyone just goes!

Keeping pace in a relationship, or at the beginning of one, means moving at the pace of the slowest participant. Trying to rush and move things along quicker just results in disaster.

Too much of a good thing...

It's feast or famine. When I'm attracted to a woman I can't get enough - that is, until I get too much. I feast and feast. Then I'm full. When I'm moderate and ration my portions, I totally lose control. It's as if I'm starving - ALL THE TIME. Starving for her time, her attention, her everything. It's great, but I feel so powerless.

With that powerlessness comes loss of rational thought. Inability to control my emotional state from moment to moment.

At least when I feast I can stay sharp, focused, in some form of control.