Last post of 2009

If anyone really reads this blog I will sign off with a promise, that I hope I find a way to keep. I really thought this blog would be a forum to share the dates I had experienced. It turned into something entirely different.

I'm a little shy about sharing because I don't want to be seen as a player. I think the women who know me, know I am not. I am an experienced dater :)

My promise is I will write something about every woman I have encountered. By the way, it doesn't mean I had sex with all of them either. Some were lucky enough to experience that ;) Others, well, let's just say we both missed out.

Happy end of 2009. Remember that we make our own destiny. Everything is a result of our own determination and desire.

When you don't know what else to feel, be angry

I struggle with being patient. With total control over my actions despite my emotions. I do the right thing rather than what's right for me. I choose to stay quiet when I should yell. I choose to listen when I should speak.

Anger isn't always a negative emotion. It's a release valve that I need to learn how to use.

Objectivity isn't always the  best solution. Be subjective. Be wrong. Be selfish. That's when happiness has a chance to creep into our lives.

End of the year

I don't like when women stay over. I can't sleep. How did this happen?

The year is coming to an end. This may or may not be my last post this year. I have been thinking about many things in the last 24 hours. One has been why, out of the 50+ women I have known, a couple never seem to be out of my mind. I'll admit it has nothing to do with love. That's where I'm stuck. I wish it was that easy. Maybe it's unresolved, unspoken stuff. Maybe it's closure. Not sure.

I think about about the first younger girl that I dated. The significance of her is the path she set me on. I am thankful to her for opening my mind to young women. I never appreciated them before. Now I love them. I think of the girls that always thought of me and took care of me :) And a couple that still do :D

I think of the girls that I can't remember. They have faded out of my memory, but I remember them vaguely. I think of the girl with the boyfriend that lives in denial that she has one. And possibly lives in denial that she's really a lesbian and isn't interested in men. The awesome women with children. The ones that make it tough to be in any form of relationship. The women that someone is done with, but I'm just getting started.

The interesting ones are always the quirky ones.

What's a reasonable time frame?

The question that has plagued man for centuries (or certainly the last one) is: how  many dates before you have sex?

Over time I have subscribed to various limits myself, but largely it's dependent on a couple key variables. The first being the real interest in the woman. Girls I have been genuinely interested in being in a relationship, well, I let that take it's own path. I want to learn about the person. But, there is a limit to how long I will wait. For me, it's about time and what it is we're doing and have done together. If there isn't sex within a reasonable time frame, I'm done. The other variable is my current need. Sometimes I just need sex. I don't want to waste a lot of time. I actually become a different person when I'm in that mode.

I suppose to answer the question, I would say a reasonable time frame is one that I feel I am still getting something from the interaction. As long as a woman can hold my interest, the longer I'll stick around and wait. But she better be worth it!

Women and money

The two things that bring me the greatest joy and the equivalent stress. The lack of either makes me want them more. When I have them, I am wasteful.

I wonder what life would be without the objects of both my desire and achievement.

Nothing can affect my attitude like the two.

It makes me question what I would do if the two didn't exist...

What makes us stay in a bad relationship?

I've been asking myself this for many years. I know I'm not the only person to have been in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship. Not only was I unhappy, my girlfriend was unhappy. We were mutually unhappy. Neither getting whatever it was we each wanted.

Despite that being the case, I know we had some great times. But great times do not mean people should be together.

We were highly compatible. We could spend hours and days together and talk and even shared some common interests. But that isn't a good reason either.

So what is the reason to be together? Why do we stay in dysfunctional and unhappy situations?

I thought it was fear. I thought "who else would want to be with me?" Well, I have found many a woman that wants to be with me. I know it's not that.

I thought is was apathy. Maybe. Maybe we just don't care enough to let the dissatisfaction override our logic. After all, maybe the person in question is fine, for the most part.

I've never been looking for "the ONE," this elusive concept sold to everyone for so long. I've never been looking for "the ONE" and maybe that's why I haven't found her yet.

I have met so many women that are in relationships and yet, they are looking and available. I think they believe in true love or this mythical one individual who will save them.

But somewhere, someone is tired of someone else. And that someone else is someone we're interested in. For a little while anyway.

So why is it so hard to leave a bad relationship? I think it's just that it's too much work. We are complacent. Relationships take effort. Why not ignore the one you're in???

The cure isn't really working

I use women as my cure to the failures I've had with other women. I'm not certain it's the best way to deal with how I have felt when I have failed in relationships. New women are distractions and they certainly help me find moments of peace. Otherwise, I am still this guy who has not been able to let go.

Out of place

Watching everyone else do what they are "supposed" to do, as is expected and as is told. I feel like an observer living my life in an alternate universe while still participating in everyone else's.

There are others like me. I know. Because they participate in my lifestyle. My own sub-culture that exists only in most's thoughts.

Great expectations

I woke asking myself "what the hell am I thinking?"

The question related to my choice in females (sometimes). I take inventory of myself and I realize I'm pretty awesome! :) And yet, I find I go after women that clearly are either not deserving of me or have little to offer.

A friend of mine once said that I have to stop trying to save people. Maybe so, but we all need a little rescuing now and then. Even me.

Different women same stuff

It's peculiar... I've met, known, gotten to know, many women. Different women, different ages, different cities, different circumstances, yet one thing remains the same. Actually, many things remain the same.
Women make excuses. Wait, I take that back. Both men and women make excuses, but since this is my blog, I'm focusing on women. When someone wants to make something happen they do it. When it's too hard, it has nothing to do with it being difficult. It means there's no interest. Despite the interest shown, it somehow seems dishonest to me.
I suppose I'd rather be outrightly rejected then led along.

Just can't forget me

Perhaps it's because I say it that it happens, but it is absolutely true, nevertheless. Women I've known, dated, whatever... they always come back or want back in. They text me out of nowhere, then want to meet and tell me how awesome I am. Why didn't they realize that before? 

Meh... anyway, what's great about about women is there are lots to make me forget about the others :) 

Found myself in Paris...

I used to laugh at the people who were "looking for themselves." Then I got lost. I got lost in thinking that I should want the same things as others. Or, perhaps that I had to prove to everyone, or maybe myself, that I could be as good or better than the next.
But in the silence. On my own. I question my actions. I cannot answer.
Finding home is not easy. I look for it in others, but finding home is within.

Confessions of a serial blogger

This is my catharsis. I have such random thoughts and can't explain how or why they enter my mind!

I'm cold. And being cold, I am thinking of someplace warm. Then i think of my various warm weather travels and BOOM!!! I think of a woman! aaaahhh!!!!

Then I think of air sickness and sea sickness :S

Then I think that maybe my inner ear/equilibrium is off.

Then I think that I'm cold and wish I was warm.

I want to be someplace warm

At my best

When I'm alone I think clearly. Free of all external distractions that prevent me from making my best decisions. Pressure affects all of us. If we are able to think about the good and bad in a complete way, I believe we are able to make the best decisions. Decisions that are made in the heat of the moment are often regrettable.

Trouble in Paradise

Many of the people I know have struggles in their relationships. When things are going great I'm envious of them. When they are going through their hardships, I'm pretty sure they wish they were me. 
How many people are stuck. How many people are afraid to leave. How many people look first before they leave.
I've met women that are involved and yet they are out looking. I suppose it doesn't bother me. It bother's me when they don't come clean with me. When they don't give me the choice.

I'm something else :)

LOL... this is my quote of December. As I sit in my hotel room in Chicago, waiting til next week to celebrate another awesome year alive. As I think about Paris, definitely one of my all time favourite places (if not most), I wonder what real romance and real love feel like. I have only experienced Paris in the worst of times. Yet Paris is always spectacular. It's something else. Nothing makes Paris suck. It just is awesome all the time. At least to me. So I will go, celebrate the day I was born and wonder what the future holds for a guy that wants to stop dating, but the world won't let me...

It's getting to the point...

Where I'm no fun anymore...

One of my favourite songs. I think there are lots of people in this situation. It makes me sad to think that things end. And when we know they are ending it sucks even more. Because despite knowing and wanting and needing it to end it hurts.

I responded to a facebook post

We never know where life takes us or what we are supposed to do or who the people that help us get there. It just sucks sometimes when things can't work and we really want them to work. Trying to hard doesn't work I suppose. But why is it everyone says you have to want it to get it! Hmmmmm...

I read my own blog

Because I forget what I think and what I have to say. If you haven't read my earliest posts I'd suggest you do!

i don't know everything

but I can certainly figure things out quickly!

The recent Tiger Woods news brought up a sore point with me. Here's a guy who cheated (allegedly). Why is it the guy takes the fall? What happened to drive him there?

Speaking for myself, when I have been with a woman in a relationship I have never needed to cheat. My needs were being met at home. BUT! I will add this - when things were bad at home and I was refused what I needed, I started to feel rejected and unloved. It was the first time I fully understood the cheating man's mind. I had thoughts and feelings that I was undesirable. I felt like sh-t. I started to notice other women. Then I started thinking that "since I am not getting it at home..."

Now there's lots more here, I acknowledge that. Ultimately, in a situation like that there is two choices both people have to make. Either the break up and move on without hating one another or they "allow" the actions by ignoring them.

It's about me I suppose

I've said it many times, but I guess I don't listen. I'm not easy to please. I must be hard to get along with or I must seem like the type of guy that is easily forgettable.

I've had the honour of meeting and knowing some of the most amazing women. Not just physically beautiful, but also smart, intelligent women. Things never seem to go well though. Strangely, none of them let go of the connection to me. For some reason they (and yes, more than one) never stop staying in contact. Maybe I'm too friendly. Maybe I'm the respectable type. Maybe I just an a--hole.

To call or not to call...

It's not even calling anymore. There are so many more options! Texting, email, facebook, smoke signals...

I still don't get it. If I call you and send you a message and never hear from you, I don't try anymore.

I'm not sure what the other is thinking and why (no matter how hard or shitty life is) to just say "can't talk, need time" or something like that.

The other night a crazy woman that I had not heard from in two months sends me a text message saying "you're something else" - what the hell does that mean? I know it was meant for me.

Life is random, so are my thoughts.

When

I'm not sure what feels worse: Is it hearing that someone has no interest in you or is it when someone you're interested in puts you on ignore?

They both suck. I suppose the ambiguity of not knowing is better. It hurts less I suppose. The directness of rejection is painful, but I can move on quicker.

There is so much I don't know, yet I know. I know, in my heart, when I should bother and when I shouldn't. I choose my own path. Therefore I should live with the consequences.

Thinking too much

Thinking too little. My mind swings like a pendulum. I know why. Rationalization. Whenever I cannot have what I want, when I want it, I rationalize. I tell myself that I want things that I shouldn't want. Basically, I am a suck.

Hiatus

I decided to take a brief hiatus from everything that seem to become a habit. Yet, elimination of one set of habits means I need replacements.

How does one reconnect with oneself? Seeking out interests beyond vocation are difficult.

Then I make an observation. I am lost. I have no idea where I am going, but I sure know where I've been (sorry David Coverdale). Now I have that song in my head.

Maybe Cloverdale was right? As long as I can remember I have been alone. Perhaps I waste too much time trying to be someone I'm not.

We're fun 'til we're boring...

We try so hard to impress the person we're interested in. We concoct elaborate outings and evenings, just to spend a little time with that other person. We make them feel so special. They think we're so interesting. Then things progress - a relationship ensues...


Then what? Then we start seeing each other several times a months, to a couple times a week to every day. Then both parties really get to see each other in their respective states. Life isn't an ongoing outing. Life isn't a party every day. Most of the time, life is about living. It includes the boring stuff. 


Seems to me that those of us who bounce around from person to person are really living in a fantasy world. A world where every day and every night and every weekend is about doing "something." Doing "nothing" is still something. New is exciting, I agree. But, there's something to be said for the known. 

Falling...

Or maybe just tripping and stumbling. Whatever happens before one totally falls. I worry that when I meet someone I am genuinely interested in, I get a little too assertive and want things to move too quickly. I said before I need a pace car. But there's something else I need.

I need to take the time to be open and learn and get to know the person. I want to have a deep relationship, but I worry that I will enter the "friend zone."

I know too much

There are "know it all's," but I'm not that. I'm more of a man that knows too much. Or, perhaps, I know too little and I think I know a lot.

Every thought is the result of a spark. What sparked this thought is a self observation. I am always transposing myself with the other person(s) I am engaged in some form of discussion. Every discussion to me is an exercise in assessment. I analyze others, I analyze myself. It gives me an advantage in every situation. I never underestimate my opponent (yes, interesting choice of words). I am never certain whether I am being underestimated.

This ability has allowed me to, more often than not, figure the other person out.

Telling the truth can be serious business...

The only funny scene in the all time worse movie "Ishtar" is the opening scene when Hoffman and Beatty try to compose a song. The song is entitled "Telling the truth can be serious business."

I agree. When I endeavour to be honest it often times is WAY too much for anyone to handle. We all have our own truth. Perhaps concealing the truth is best. A little mystery is a good thing.

Manifest destiny

It occurred to me today that as our priorities change our world responds. Major changes in our lives occur as a result in a change in ourselves first. We often think that external forces are causing shifts and we are reacting. In fact, I believe it's the exact opposite.
Awareness and acceptance are a far better reaction that fear and frustration.

Dysfunctional is the new Functional!

We all give ourselves a bad wrap. I think I'm a mess. Well, actually, I am! But I have yet to meet a person who had a perfect life. (Perhaps I only attract people like myself.)
We see others' strengths yet we never recognize our own.

The Grudge

I'm a grudge holder. I don't let things go. I have a "grudge cycle." I basically get pissed first. They I calm down so I can think straight. Then I start planning and scheming to get even. I often do nothing about it because, let's face it, there are ramifications to every action. But I don't let things go. I need vindication and closure and I believe that the reason I continue to hold the grudge is simply because I cannot get finality.

Floating...

It's like an out-of-body experience. Things don't work the way I want. I start to drift, but rather than drift away, I drift out of my life. I become numb to the feelings I should have. Sure, I experience them for a bit, but usually I wrap them up, pack them away and ignore them.
Our external world has such a deep impact on so many things.

In response to Andy Rooney...

Andy once did a segment, many of you have likely seen or been the recipient of an email, in which he praises women over 40. I actually saw the episode at the time it was aired. But in recently receiving the manuscript via email, it sparked me to respond as follows:

I actually saw this episode many many years ago - I may even have been 22 when this aired!!!

At the time I had a fascination with older women. In hindsight, it was my own inability to relate to, not only women, but most boys my age.

In older women I found they valued and appreciated me. For a time anyway!

In reality, none of us actually really age mentally or emotionally past a certain period. In most cases our life circumstances have a profound impact on our psyche. When I compare my friends who have younger children to those who are empty-nesters I see a youthfulness that is the direct result of their children. In my own life I have experienced so much change, so suddenly (as you know), that it was as if a "reset" button was hit. I'm growing up all over again.

There is a magic in all ages and all maturity levels. At different stages of or lives we require different stimulus. I praise all women, because, as I have learned, there is nothing on earth as valuable, precious and unappreciated as their gender.

What's really lost

The intimacy and connection of a lover is lost when the relationship ends. I have found the connection and ability to speak freely and openly exists long after the relationship ends. It's a shame most people cannot maintain these connections.

I ran into a former girlfriend recently. We hadn't seen each other for about 2 years. She was my first relationship as a newly single male then. While there was nothing other than two friends connecting after a very long time, it made me realize the most valuable aspect of any relationship is the bond, the friendship. I value my friendships above all else. My true friends know far too much about me. They know my weaknesses they don't judge me.

It's a shame we lose these friendships.

Embracing destruction

Or de-construction. Allowing things to collapse, to fail, to fall apart. Resist the fall. Embrace the destruction. It allows for new beginnings. A renaissance.
As I try to keep things together, they become more tenuous. A house of cards. Destruction isn't so bad. Is it?

Trying to change my nature...

Why do I bother? I've been complaining and fighting who I am for the past several months. I'm not like everyone else. I am very difficult to get along with. Friends - no problem. Lovers - no problem. Intimate relationships with women - that's just not my thing.

So what do I do? Do I embrace my plight? Why is it so difficult to admit or acknowledge that I am not like everyone else?

Many different lives...

People talk about past and futures lives. What if we are living one long continuum of lives? Some we are fully aware of, others vague memories. I'm not the man I was two years ago or a year ago or 10 years ago. Who I am has evolved so much and so rapidly (in retrospect) that I feel like I have lived several lives in my lifetime so far. I wonder how many more iterations I'll experience. 

Dilemma

A recent observation: Women are easily convinced of a man's infidelity. A man seeks incontrovertible proof before he will believe. 

Is this common? I'm not sure, I'd love to know. But, for what I have seen, it would appear that a woman can more readily cheat and fool her other half.

Body of lies...

One lie is NEVER enough. A lie is like creating an entire parallel universe. 

I recently was part of such an elaborate scheme. Unfortunately, I was the recipient of the basket of lies. It is not a pleasant feeling, however, I was surprised by how quickly I recovered.

What makes someone do things like that? 

Sure signs...

I know the signs. F--k! I think I'm better at telling everyone else what they are!!! I've found that this blog is my outlet to vent. For my own sake! I know when a woman is interested and I DEFINITELY know when she isn't or when something else is going on. 
One of these days I'll write about a psychopath of a woman that somehow roped me into her game.

Scar tissue...

I'm not an athlete, but of those that I know, it's common that there are old wounds that are sometimes aggravated by new or different stimuli. 

Emotional wounds are much the same. In this respect, I am an athlete. I am extremely brave in venturing into old and familiar territory. Much easier to aggravate to old wounds. What really sucks is that I feel as if I have gone backwards after the new hurt.

Makes me wonder if the new pain actually compounds the old wound. I suppose I must never have developed the scar tissue.

The Game

I still love this movie that starred Michael Douglas and Sean Penn - it's now 12 years old! It was released in 1997. I thought about the movie today, not because I saw it recently, but because I was thinking of a little game I have been a participant in for about a year and a half.
I won't go into the details, but ultimately it comes down to this. Some people love to play "the game" - as Lady GaGa calls it "The Love Game." I'm certain it has nothing to do with love. Love, in my opinion, is pure, is honest, is everything good. "The Game" we play should be called the "Hate and Disrespect Game."
Tactics and strategies to keep another person interested is about manipulation not truth. If it's honest then it'll happen. If not, we just continue to play a game no one wins.

Same Actions... Different Results

I'm starting to sound like a broken record. Why, why, why? Why am I 40, a fine human male specimen, yet single. I kinda know why, but I am trying to prove everyone wrong. Only thing is, I'm the one being proven wrong. So, when should I change? I don't really feel like changing, not yet anyway. Why am I wanting something different?

Maybe I am Peter Pan. Not because I wear green tights.

Today's word: Reciprocity

It's a simple concept that MOST people are aware of, some even practice it. I suppose I'm guilty of withholding sometimes.

I never give or do with the intent that the recipient be obliged to me, but at some point I really start to ask myself if I am being foolish.

Reciprocity, to me, is a demonstration of one's intent and what is in one's heart.

Shawshank Redemption...

What a great movie. Thought about it today. "Get busy living or get busy dying"

I get caught up in situations. I want things so bad I become so focussed, despite the odds of success.

Relationships are likely one of the most, if not the most, uncontrollable. I want things that I want, when I want them. Whether or not they're good or right for me.

Cutting bait...

I know the signs. You know of what I speak. The signs: whether a woman is interested or not. On one of my many plane trips I watched a funny movie "He's just not that into you." I can't really remember the point of the movie with feeling like crap on the plane and all, but the theme was girl thinks every guy is into her so gets swept up in an imaginary romance only to discover it was all her own folly.

Then there's me. I love every woman. Well, at least for a little bit. Then I start seeing things that piss me off. Then I become an a--hole. Then it falls apart. From what I can tell, excuse or not, it's a result of my own unrealistic expectations.

You know when it feels right... maybe

I'm not bothered by the fact that I'll be 41 soon. I'm not even troubled that I'll be single. I am perplexed by my lack of success in the area of retention of female companions.

I had said before that the only consistent in every one of my relationships is: ME. I believe I have identified the core issue: it's ME.

I have the ability to attract women. Even go out with me a couple times. Hey, in general, I'm fairly lucky, most will even sleep with me. Strangely, they all want to stay friends or something along those veins. But nothing seems to last very long.

When I think about the ones that did, they really were no different. The ones that stayed longer were themselves conflicted. They wanted me in their lives, but not as their boyfriend or companion.

hmmmm...

I'm a better person when I'm single...

It occurred to me that it's only when I'm single that I focus on myself and therefore improve and become better. I take better care of myself, I invest in me.

Then I decide to start dating...

Becoming an Expert

We are all functioning dysfunctionals I think. Our experiences have left us all damaged and hurt, even when we think we're totally healed and fine. The damage is, we trust less, we withhold more, we chose partners that are totally wrong for us - all those actions are the manifestations of the past hurt. The only way through, I believe, is to risk - risk everything - risk being hurt again and again. A book I recently read talked about putting in 10,000 hours (at whatever our vocation) in order to become an expert. Too many people never accomplish their dreams because they give up too soon. The same vigour and diligence and passion we invest in our careers or businesses should be the same energy level and commitment we invest in our personal lives, but we don't. Those that do, succeed.

The unattractiveness of showing attraction...

Isn't it ironic? It has nothing to do with being a "bad boy" or wanting what we can't have. I think it's about being "normal." I have observed that I can go overboard.

Dr. Jekyll or the Nutty Professor...

I'm a different guy with different women. Sometimes my confidence is through the roof! Other times I'm a clingy needy emotional mess. Sometimes I'm totally indifferent and once in a while I'm a total douche bag.

So, what cause this? Is there an X factor that releases some chemical in my brain that turns me into one of a variety of Mr. Hydes?

Should relationships be this difficult? If I'm thinking this much maybe she's just not worth it?

Taking my own advice

I had to call someone else today to rant about a situation. Why? Because I couldn't think straight to know what I should do.

Every now and then I read my past entries and you know what? I should listen to what I have to say. It's not advice, just observations. Yet why is it the lessons I've learned seem so hard to implement or even remember when I need them? That's a lesson I have yet to learn.

Mid-life crisis or just a late bloomer

I read an article that outlined the symptoms of a mid-life crisis. Interestingly, it only takes one position. I have another.

Some men, like myself, start early in life and focus on work or career. I didn't have a relationship with a woman until very late in my twenties. I never partied, I never did crazy things because I always felt I had to stay in control, be responsible. I don't think I missed out at all. I do think that I lacked the confidence and the head space to enjoy myself.

"It's not until we lose everything that we are free to do anything." - one of the many great lines from "Fight Club". (yes, I know the periods are in different places with respect to the quotations.)

I am now, at 40, more confident in myself and ready to take on experimentation and trial. I can let loose finally. I'm not struggling with who I am or who I am not. I just am. I've always have a little sports car, that's nothing new. I've always dressed well and youthful, that's nothing new. So, I say, mid-life crisis doesn't apply to all of us.

Get what you give...

First, remember this is written from a male perspective, but I don't consider myself the averge male. I am somewhat evolved or enlightened or just different. But, that's a whole different blog entry.

Lately I've become aware of an interesting dynamic - projection. I am likely one of the most honest, genuine and sincere people anyone will ever meet. I do what I say, even when situations change and I have a good reason to change. When I am mistrusted I get pissed. Then, guess what? I start to become an a--hole. I actually become what the person projected onto me. Funny or strangely enough, then they seem ok.

Behaviours like this reinforce my belief that most women (and men I'm sure) cannot accept seemingly smooth interactions. I'm not perfect. No one is.

I need a pace car...

A pace car is used at some race tracks, most notably the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. It allows for a rolling start. Every car gets to warm up and all the cars are moving at the same speed. Now, in Formula One, it's totally different. Standing start. Everyone just goes!

Keeping pace in a relationship, or at the beginning of one, means moving at the pace of the slowest participant. Trying to rush and move things along quicker just results in disaster.

Too much of a good thing...

It's feast or famine. When I'm attracted to a woman I can't get enough - that is, until I get too much. I feast and feast. Then I'm full. When I'm moderate and ration my portions, I totally lose control. It's as if I'm starving - ALL THE TIME. Starving for her time, her attention, her everything. It's great, but I feel so powerless.

With that powerlessness comes loss of rational thought. Inability to control my emotional state from moment to moment.

At least when I feast I can stay sharp, focused, in some form of control.

Houdini wasn't just an illusionist

He was renowned for his ability to ESCAPE. Cowardice usually is the cause for flight. When faced with the age old dilemma of being honest and brave, most of us choose to hide and/or run.

Fair trade

While having a cup of Fair Trade coffee I thought to myself - does that mean that other coffee is somehow unscrupulously procured? Of course, that sparked my mind to think of women and my experiences in relationships.

There seems to always be some form of trade going on. When that trade become imbalanced - think trade deficit or trade surplus - that's when things go wrong.

Priorities and options

Taking stock. When I review my past and present interpersonal relationships with women, here's what I have observed.

Often I have felt that I have placed a priority on them and the relationship itself. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't, as I said many many posts ago, all reality is subjective. However, I think I can present proof, should it be required. I often find my interest and willingness to invest dwindling -of course the timing of that is dependent upon my awakening from the stuper that seems to come over me in the early part of any relationship.

How do I know that I am not a priority. I suppose the signs are simple and obvious. When I notice that I am initiating every interaction - this alone is a significant issue. Then of course there is the whole prioritization factor. What is a realistic expectation when it comes to one's priority in the relationship realm?

The Bell Curve would illustrate this best. The steep climb of interest, fascination, followed by the achievement of the pinnacle of the relationship, which is an unknown, until much later in the decline period.

So what's a guy to do? Play the game or move on?

Groundhog Day

For over a year my life has been stuck. I feel like Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day." There may be subtle differences, but I know the outcomes of every moment. The scenes never change. The redundancy wears on me like fingernails on a chalk board. (I also hate the sound of markers writing on cardboard.)

When I think of purpose and pursuits I think that everything I do has little to do with the world around me. Certainly my world is better or worse for the outcome, but little else seems affected.

I see my little goddaughter graduate from kindergarten and I am lost. This rocks. This is important. This feels good. It's the ultimate drug. Everything else just pales by comparison.

Running on empty

Whenever I reach a point where I feel spent. Exhausted. Frustrated. I seem to retreat into a place where I envision a simpler life. The exact opposite of what I desire most, what seems to constantly elude me. Perhaps it's the fight or flight instinct. Perhaps I do really just long for peace, ease and exclusion from the society I love.

I'm an outsider, an outlier, a conformist that refuses to conform to the melancholy that the general population accepts as their fate. It's so hard to continue the drive, especially when my tanks are empty. And for, seemingly infinite periods, I continue to push my car. Until. Until I find a rest stop or somewhere to get a drop of adrenaline.

All empire's fall...

Is it any surprise that few relationships last? I think of all the things I have built in my lifetime (so far) and I realize everything has a lifecycle. Nothing has withstood the barrage of challenges encountered. I have waged my personal battles to protect what I had built, but only to see that ultimately my empire crumbled. I wonder if we are supposed to relish the pleasure and the power felt during the rise, prepare for the fall and just move on.

Relationships are not immune to the ravages of our daily battles the form the lifetime war. I admire those that stand as beacons for us wanna-be's.

All's FEAR in love and war...

Fear is probably the single greatest nemesis of every person. It causes sane people to make irrational decisions and normally calm people to suddenly become total dorks.

When you have fear under control, we think straight, act rationally and even seem cool.

Now the paradox is this, the women I am most interested in cause me to lose total control of my cool. The ones I'm not interested in at all, well, I act totally nonchalant and guess what? They are totally all over me.

I know what I have to train myself to do. But it ain't easy!

Alone, but not lonely

Should I be surprised? Times when I have been surrounded by people I have felt alone. On my own, I never feel lonely. Other times I want to be alone. My own company is the best company. While I search to fill an imaginary void, I only find more emptiness and I find myself becoming the matter that fills another's vacuum. In searching, I only find more unknown.

Small wonders...

Defining moments. The times that impact our lives. Not always life changing, but defining. The emotions associated with the moment. The memory, carried on my shoulder, like so much excess weight. One defining moment replacing a no longer significant moment. Perhaps the only way past the pain is to experience new ones.

Facing fear...

I still can't face some of my fears. Ignorance and isolation are wonderful things when used to protect my emotional well-being. But, in my mind, logic tells me that if I control the dosage and face my fear a little each day or every once in a while, eventually, I will become immune to the fear and even the pain the knowledge brings.

What's in a name?

Shakespeare was right after all, a rose by any other name would smell the same as the flower we call the rose (excuse my literary license).

I wanted this blog to be record of my experiences in dating. I found that extremely difficult to write about. I felt like I would be telling tales out of school. Instead, it's turned into a Freudian exercise in self analysis.

Dating has taught me much. About myself and about others. About chemistry and lust and love and infatuation. It has made me ponder my priorities, my values, my choices, my judgements and most of all realize that wisdom is not desirable. There is a power in ignorance. There is an energy and fearlessness of youth. Confidence comes with a price.

It's been a while...

Since I last wrote. I have been wondering about what I will refer to as "the pointless search for purpose." This search has me, maybe everyone else, substituting "purpose" with finding this elusive other person who will alleviate our loneliness, unhappiness and general malaise.

I've discovered that it's the search itself that brings on these unhealthy emotions for me. Only when I am free from this nagging need to find someone that fits this role of making me happy, am I actually happy!

Failure to launch

It's a recurring theme, I'm sad to say, the situations I find myself in lead me to ask myself questions I can't answer.

Some situations are surreal, somewhat out-of-body, where I am a third party observer of this maestro of seduction. Sadly, those situations are few. Most of the time I'm lovingly called a dork. Stumbling, fumbling, stuttering and struggling. It's a wonder women find me remotely attractive.

changes...

"it's getting to the point, where I'm no fun anymore"

"something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it"

Two lines from two songs that stick in my mind. The former by Stephen Stills, the latter by Carole King.

I always wonder what happens to people in relationships. Why we change. The slow steady erosion that seems so inconsequential along the way. I suppose it's the reason for so many songs, so much art, so much trauma. Some people have the ability to move past, to let things go. Others move on differently. The pain lingers.

What I find interesting is, my emotions are like dominos. One negative emotion sets my others off. It works the same for positive emotions. Managing, or even manipulating, them are impossible. I need a catalyst. Something great has to happen for me to become emotionally invincible (at least for a period of time).

No telling where things take us

But I do know I have felt as though my life has been a river. Raging in spots, meandering in others. At times, the path of least resistance seems preferred, other times slowly eroding the obstacles in my way. I'm afraid sometimes. Should I be making decisions that I know will end badly, only to get the decision made? Should I wait til all the necessary tumblers fall into place. I think we all have been here. Some people seem to not have these issues. I just remind myself that if I feel a certain way, it's guaranteed others have too.

Catch and release...

Or, the art of flirting. I've never had the ability. I suppose from time to time I manage, but I'm more of a bumbling oaf in the flirting department. I have witnessed the skilled fishermen at work. It's about casting the line, playing ever so subtly with the catch, reeling them in... only to release them into the wild. They're artists.

I, on the other hand, am more like Neanderthal man, I find a stick, a worm (or anything that'll work well enough, cast and cast and cast. Eventually, I will catch something. It's then up to me to be extra careful so as not to lose it, not to let it break free. Once in my grasp, I try to reach for it out of hunger. Every once in a while I eat.

There's a lesson here, I'm sure.

Rejection, Hope and anything else

I'm never sure "who" I'll be when I go out. I find it hardest to be myself (whoever that is) when I'm around people who have an expectation of what or who I am. To each group of people I know, I am someone different. Add to this the variables of the energy in the room, how much alcohol I consume and whether or not I start the evening off right.

Rejection is an interesting feeling, or is it an action, maybe it's both. Whatever it is, it can cast a pall over my emotional state. I have been rejected and done some rejection. Neither feels particularly great. Learning to move on from rejection is a skill I have yet to learn. It happens in some aspects of my life, in others, not so much. It colours my thoughts, it makes me upset and hurt and confused. Hmm, sounds a lot like falling in love, er, I mean lust, or maybe both. And yet, in the face of this rejection, I find hope. Maybe I have great coping skills or a bad memory.

Anything or nothing...

I'm never satisfied. It's not that the grass is greener, it's just that I'd like to play on the grass in the other field. I love my grass. I just get bored of it. It has nothing to do with appreciation. I sometimes wonder if I can have more grass. Or experience different grass. I believe I can have anything I want. It's just that in wanting, I get nothing.

Destiny...

Maybe some of us are not meant to be in relationships. There are far too many permanently single people floating around. And even the ones in relationships, well, I think they will become single at some point. In most cases, I'm so sure, that when I meet someone who is in a relationship, I wonder when they will be single again. Who will be there to catch them and help them through the recovery stage.

Easy like Sunday morning...

Revelation: (I've been having a lot of them it seems)

I totally agree that relationships, rather, making relationships sustainable, are a lot of work. But, I feel that, in the beginning stages it should be easy. I mean, it shouldn't be uncomfortable, or a lot of thinking. It should just flow. Like, when you have to think and ask whether you should be calling the person, it's likely starting off bad. Think about it. What were your best relationships? How did it start? Was it natural? Did it feel right?

More like Cereal...

I'm tired. I feel like a big bowl of corn flakes. Oh, I mean, I don't want to eat the cereal, I AM the cereal. Being eaten alive. I don't want to be roasted grain! I surely don't want to be a serial anything!

Damn!

Ever had an epiphany moment - you know - it just hits you! Well, I've been having lots lately. Either my brain is open to receiving the information or I was truly unaware. My most current epiphany moment relates to my own inability to reveal my true self. I manage my own emotions so I don't reveal too much about myself. How crazy is that? Here I am, thinking I'm the most open person in the world, when in fact, I'm likely the complete opposite. I manage everyone and everything around me - constantly. It never ends. It's such a habit. I have to break it!

Children raising children...

We're a society that has extended our longevity almost three fold in one century. As our population ages, as we gain freedom, independent thought and the permission to do as we please, my observation is we have a society of children raising children, misguided, misled, miscommunicated and misunderstood. It's true, we are younger longer. It's also true that we never grow up. We have become expert in just about every form of communication, yet I cannot see any evidence that we communicate any better.

We are no more equipped for managing our relationships today than prior generations. As far as I know, there are no classes in high school that teach us about relationships.

Complaining and pointing out flaws are easy. My goal in my lifetime is to impact a generation. To change the relative importance we place on our most valuable asset, our relationships. Now I just have to figure out how I do that.

What are we gonna do?

When there's nothing to do, what do you do? Why does a date have to revolve around an event, a specific "to do"?

A real litmus test, for me, is the outcome of a non-event based date. Is there comfort, interest and the je ne sais quoi.

Growing up (or down)

The truth has always been the truth. The truth I am referring to in particular is "the older I get the less I know" or " I wish I were as smart as I thought I was."

I was inexplicably moved by the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." In many ways, I related, I learned a few things and I am constantly thinking about it.

Let me give you an example. Despite his actual age, he was actually very mature. Almost as if he began his life as a wise, reserved, conservative man. As he aged, his physical appearance became younger and so did he. I have had the pleasure of meeting many people in my life who, through circumstances and life experiences are very wise and mature. Marks of events that shaped their thinking. Much like me, they are "old" for such young people. I consider myself very lucky to have been able to reverse age. Youth is wasted on the young. As a young older guy I have the benefit of my experiences and mistakes, but I also have the luxury of being able to live the live I chose, the life I dream and not the life I feel compelled to live.

Vampires

I think I am a new age vampire. No, I do not require human blood to live and no, I am not immortal. I am, however, constantly seeking and feeding off of energy. New relationships are my prey. I feed off of the newness, the excitement, the unknown, the sheer bliss that only exists when I first meet someone.

Occasionally, I become attached to my prey. This is good. It means I am capable of developing deeper emotional connectivity. I collect these people. Perhaps the most interesting of discoveries, many of these people are very much like me. We are collectors. We are both predators and prey. As much as I feed on them, they feed on me.

Unrealistic expectations...

From the moment I meet a woman I begin to set expectations. Knowingly and unknowingly, they begin as single strands of a web that ultimately take shape and create a set of judgments. As each one of them fail every, ever increasingly difficult, measurement they begin to become like prey in my web. I see them as weak and undeserving. It's near impossible for them to free themselves to the preordained conclusion.

Yet, this doesn't explain why, every so often, one manages to break free from this trap. And I can never seem to capture that one. The one I want. Maybe it's because I couldn't get it.

Confessions...

It hasn't turned out quite the way I had envisioned or as my title would have suggested. Let me correct that, a little bit, today.

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned. Many times. And likely, I will continue to sin. After all, to sin is human and besides, who can judge me? I can't remember the last time I confessed. But here are some of the things I confess...

1. I date because I can. Not because I need to. I do so because I am insecure. I'm not sure I should be dating;

2. I'm still asking "why?" I suppose I should take my own advice, realize there are no reasons and move on. I'm stuck in my own mud;

3. I'm searching for a heart of gold (sorry Neil Young). I think if I mine enough I'll find one;

4. I'm weak, afraid and alone (not lonely, alone);

5. I suffer from an identity crisis and make fun of myself;

6. I envy mediocre people;

7. I sometimes wish I didn't know the things I know;

8. I don't think that a secret is a secret if you tell another person...

I'm sure there's more to confess to, but I can't think of all of it.

Blenders...

Our world is a very interesting place. There are starter homes and starter marriages. There are blended families, two and three times over. Soon, we'll all be related. It's true, the only baggage that you can bring, is all that you can't leave behind.

I have a real struggle with women with children. Especially since I have none. There is much expected of me, with little or no appreciation or empathy for what I have to come into. I should win a noble prize.

Children are not baggage, yet they are carted around from relationship to relationship, gaining new brothers and sisters and parents. I had always looked at it as a good thing, but now I realize it's not. It's not healthy for the biological parents, the surrogate parents, the blended family, no one. But as humans, we have needs. We make choices, we make sacrifices, we are selfish and the whole time we don't know what we are doing.

What's right?

I have these amazing conversations with various women in my life. We talk about everything, openly and honestly, without judgement. I'm constantly reminded, through these interactions, that we are so much alike. We have so little understanding of ourselves there is no way we can understand the opposite sex. Look within for the answer.

One discussion arose around my choice of age group. I admit, I am enjoying the honesty, the free-spiritedness and the beauty of much younger women. It's amazing the controversy this creates. Everyone seems to have an opinion and I welcome them. I am at a stage in my life where I have come to learn that I have to live the life I choose, without regrets, without influence and on my own terms. I ask this, should I be with someone just because they are close in age to me? What if we cannot relate? What about the baggage that comes with relationships? What about the blended family syndrome? Why should I settle for anything less than perfection?

History repeats itself...

We choose not to learn. Maybe, we forget, or we are stupid. I see it constantly. I have lived it myself. Objective observers can tell us exactly what's going to happen to us should we follow the path we choose. But, emotions override any logic that exists.

Age has nothing to do with it. Whether your 18 or 50, you'll fall into the trap. The trap I speak of is the person we know is unattainable, or rather, should not be attained!

You know what I mean. The person who has only recently ended a relationship, the person that our parents and friends hate, the person who we think we can save and change.

Don't lose yourself, but don't stop living. Knowledge of oneself and the situation will allow you to enjoy it and be prepared for the worst. Most of all, live the life you choose, with full accountability of your actions. It's fun.

Words speak louder than actions...

I never seem to learn. Silly me, I had always been under the impression that my actions speak volumes. That, through my actions, I demonstrate my interest and caring for someone else. Sadly, this isn't the case. Saying it, more often than not, absolves one from exhibiting.

I see myself as a petri dish of sorts. I see my experiences as clinical studies, experiments in the mating rituals of the male and female human species. Sad, isn't it. I have to say, that I have been able to say one thing, do another and it be completely accepted. On the other hand, demonstrating my affection, without the requisite verbiage has been seen as lacking.

Have our interactions been distilled down to principles of action or theories that, in the vast majority of cases, are proven through field study?

Sex and the City

I admit it. I watched this movie of my own accord. Sometimes to get an understanding of one's prey, one must immerse oneself into the habitat and conventions of said prey. Aside from rolling my eyes for at least two-thirds of the movie, once I got past the superficial fantasy that this epic tale has bestowed upon female society. A plague of expectations it paints for men. Yes, women seem to forget that they too have promoted an unrealistic view of what relationships, men and life should be. After I looked past all of that, there was much I observed and learned. Much of it hit a little close to home. Perhaps there is something deeper than the love of shoes.

A scene that really hit home for me involved Miranda and Steve. During sex, she makes a remark something like "hurry up and get it over with already." Not surprisingly, he stops, gets up (and out) and next thing we know he's admitting to her that he slept with some random woman. Basically, he goes somewhere else to get laid because, as she told him, she doesn't have time for that. She gets all bent out of shape when he admits his indiscretion.

I wonder why, if you're in a relationship where your partner has no physical interest why would that person be upset if you go somewhere else. I believe love and lust can exist within one relationship, but I also believe it can exist exclusive of one another. Both partners have a responsibility to the relationship, to themselves and to the other person. I understand it's a trust and loyalty issue. I understand that. But let's play out a scenario.

Let's assume my partner thinks it's "work" to have sex with me. Let's also make the assumption that when the relationship began, my partner and I were all over each other like rabbits. Obviously, something changed along the way. Now, let's assume I confront my partner and ask why and what's wrong. If my partner cannot provide honest insight into what she's feeling and things don't change, what is the next course of action? End the relationship? Seek professional help? Go get my physical needs met elsewhere? What is the right thing to do? Is it only my responsibility or should she also take responsibility?

Serial Daters...

Dating is an addiction. Once you start down the path you can't stop. The process is exciting. Perhaps that has created our culture of perpetual singleness, relationships that have a shorter lifespan, desire that seems bottomless.

In a world where we seek the thing that we despise most - perfection. I've discovered time and again that perfection is not a trait that is considered desirable. It's an idea, a fantasy, something we aspire to, but hope we never attain.

Have we evolved or devolved? I question my own intentions. A committed relationship seems like the holy grail, yet, every action, every desire, every thought leads me down a divergent path.

Table of Contents...

We still judge and select our potential mates based on the proverbial Book Cover. Myself included. However, it works against me too. I'm less interested in the content. Strangely enough, I never leave a woman because she was too beautiful. It's always based on the content. Yet, I continue down the path, knowing that one day, that book with the great cover will be full of content I love.

Venting...

Letting off steam, whatever you call it, it's a human function as vital as any other involuntary action. The challenge is how to deal with the person doing the venting. By default, or necessity, I say nothing. I recognize venting as a release and accept that I have been "chosen" as the designated "ventee."

Most of the time, venting is just that. Nothing to read below the surface, but sometimes, I know it has to do with insecurities we harbour. Think about this. Everyone has someone that just grates on our nerves. Have you ever really looked deep into what it is that annoys us? Sure, that person may do a horrible job, or is just an idiot, but, so what? What else is there? Is it that they get away with it? Is it that they get attention? I feel that if we all started with being truthful to ourselves we'd see areas where we need to change or at least acknowledge. Insecurity is a part of life too! Why is it we are obsessed with perfection? It clearly has no real benefit. Perfection sucks! Think about the qualities you like in your partner or friends and tell me if they are perfect or if it's the little crazy things that you dig.

Mrs. Robinson, The Graduate and other irrelevant stuff...

Alfa Romeo decided to call its Spyder the "Graduate" after the popularity of the movie. The last time I saw the movie was far too long ago, but it was a break through movie for its time and frankly, for any time. Every now and then I see reference to it in sitcoms and movies and even the Simpsons!

If life imitates art, I wonder what came first? The art or the life? In my case, I wasn't born until the year after the movie was released. Scary. In some ways, I relate to the complexity of relationships, but like all observers, it's easy to make the rational decision. As the star of my own movie, I'm the tragic or comedic hero. Sadly, or happily, I trudge through my life stumbling into truths that seem like fiction.

I often wonder when it's time to race to the church to stop the girl from marrying the wrong guy.

Baskin Robbins...

Despite having the choice of at least 31 flavours, I'd look and pretty much stick with Vanilla. I love Vanilla, it tastes great. After years of eating only Vanilla, I started eating other flavours, only to realize, Vanilla really is the best flavour.

And so goes my taste in women. Perhaps we all have a type. I wonder what I could have experienced in my childhood that led me to be attracted to the women I am. I won't get into what I like in particular, but I will say, it has likely more to do with the images I was surrounded by than anything else.

Not too long ago, I saw a picture on one of my Facebook "friend's" page. I was shocked, amused and had a soothing sense of superiority and vindication. The picture was of four women. Arguably, four of the most desirable women at my high school. What I saw was four women who let age ravage them. Boy, was I disappointed.

I suddenly realized, once again, what has driven me most my life - the need to "show them." I'm no sure what anyone ever did to me, yet I have this unwavering need to do and achieve things that others only dream or talk about.

I often wonder if there is a "real" me, but then I become cognizant of my self. I am who I am not because of what I am not, but because of what I am. My actions, my decisions, my vices, my needs, my fears, all make me question, seek, strive and hope for more. However, more is yet to be defined...

One thing that never really changes...

is me. I'm the one consistent in every interaction and relationship in my life. We can take a vacation, go somewhere else, wear different clothes, eat different food, maybe speak a different language, but we never really take a vacation from ourselves.

I know my perspective, my attitude my understanding of myself has changed. I;d even say, changed for the better. But how has it served me?

I still find myself struggling. Unable to find an equilibrium. I'm Bill Murray in Ground Hog Day. Everytime I think I am breaking the habit, I find myself buried in a pile of...

Is there really a "ONE?"

We never get all we need (emotionally) from any ONE person.

If that is correct, then how can I ever find one person to satisfy all of my needs within a romantic relationship? Can this be the reason so many of us roam endlessly? Is this what is truly behind being labeled "picky?"

I'm not picky, but I know what I don't want. And, although there is some truth in what my close friends say, that I am attracted to the "party girl" type, the fact is, there is something in them that attracts them to me! Maybe I am suffering from "Charlie Sheen" syndrome, but whoever said everyone had to succumb or live up to generally accepted social behaviours?

Volatility - the ugly truth...

It makes the world go 'round. Without it, stock markets wouldn't offer the casino-like drama and riches. Without it, we wouldn't be able to experience the polarity of euphoria and misery, the emotions that label some as bi-polar, are in fact resident in everyone of us. Degrees of it at least.

I don't read news, yet it finds me! I've recently been inundated with Rihanna/Chris Brown news, I use the term "news" loosely. What has me fascinated is that everyone is so surprised and is offering this couple advice. I would first recommend that we look into our own screwed up relationship history. I'm not condoning physical or verbal abuse, but let's face it, they're adults, they likely have close family and friends around them to help them. But, onto my point.

Every relationship is the victim or beneficiary of volatility. Every couple fights. Usually, it helps create a counterpoint to allow for a period of jubilation. We're all addicted to this drama of life. It reminds us of why we're together. It allows us to feel bad and feel regret. We're all, to some degree, addicted to being in love. I see it in parents. When their child is with them, they feel like they need time away. When the child is absent for a few minutes, never mind a day, they miss the kid so much. When the child returns, it's all hugs and kisses. Ten minutes later, back to normal.  

The day the earth stood still...

When I know, I know, yet sometimes I really had no idea that I had no clue and I knew nothing. I had a great conversation a couple nights ago and there was some strange lucidity to the comments that flowed from this woman's lips. "If you don't have a desire to marry her, then likely she's not the right person."

What the hell do I do with a comment like that? It was apropos of nothing! But then it seeped into my brain and sprouted a thought...

Over time we can convince, or even train ourselves, to believe we have deep feelings for someone. Case in point. If you have been with someone for a long period and everything seems to be "OK," the typical thought is "why change something that's working?" Well, then I had a different experience, which really aided me in fully understanding the entirety of that lucid comment. I met someone, who I immediately realized I wanted to marry and have little offsprings! I thought "what the hell is wrong???" I had never had that feeling before. What was worse, it didn't go away!

I'm starting to think there is something to this notion that if you don't "feel it" likely you never will (with that person).

Confidence: attraction or distraction?

I am sometimes embarrassed by the sheer volume of women I have met over the past couple of years. I'm sad to say that I have forgotten most. And the ONLY ones I seem to remember are the ones that were strange or pissed me off. What does that say about me?

One thing that I have found curious is the attribute of confidence. Too little or too much is not attractive. In fact, I find myself questioning why someone has so much confidence. I remember a quote by Cindy Crawford "what was she given in self-confidence that I wasn't?" of course, referring to J. Lo's huge ass. 

What makes these strange women stand out? I think it's a perversely misplaced confidence. I myself live by the notion that I want the people I come into contact with to remember me. No one remembers "regular" or "normal" people. 

When do we know?

"There's never a right time to say goodbye, but I gotta make the first move, 'cause if I don't you're gonna start hating me" 

A great lyric from a Chris Brown song. We've all been there. We're with someone, things change, not sure how or why. In one of my earlier posts I said there's only infatuation and love. As an addendum to that thought, I accept that love can evolve. But what happens to us? I don't want to explore why we fall out of love, but why is it that we stay silent. In the process of waiting we actually hurt the other person more. Then we start to get mad at them. We blame them. We become cowards. We want them to break up with us. That's why there are so many people with such negative experiences resulting from the cowardice of one.

Sadly, I've been on both sides. But, I learned that I can't be the coward. Funny enough, most of the women that have been a part of my life still remain in my life. But the one's that were cowards, well they aren't and I believe they feel the absence. Because all relationships make us who we are. 

Do we ever really want to know the answer?

And for that matter, do we ever really want to tell someone the real reason we haven't called them back, or cancelled at the last minute or mysteriously disappeared of the face of the planet?

I had a great conversation with an amazing woman recently. We actually explored this topic. Being as beautiful as she is, oh, and by the way, she has a wonderful personality, she had yet to experience the disappearing man, the lack of the promised phone call or any other form of follow-up. I explained that, in her case, no one in their right mind would not follow-up with her. It was then I realized the underlying problem so many of us face. We actually believe that people will do what they say, so we sit around waiting. When I stopped waiting and went on with my life, I had no time to wonder why some woman wasn't interested in me. The fact is, there are far many more that are interested. Besides, do I really want to hear someone say "I'm not really that interested" or "I'm not attracted to you." It's better I don't hear that. It's better you don't hear it either.

Media and beauty

I have an issue of grave importance. It relates to what we have been selling to youth. Now I realize my comments are generalization, but hear me out.

The media's portrayal of beauty and how it impacts young women. I had been told that women are, en masse, trying to meet the standards set by television. You know, thin, big boobs, great bod etc. Well, I think we did a great job telling girls NOT to pay attention because I have to say something. 

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED??????

This idea of loving one's body as it is and not worrying about appealing to anyone has become so pervasive that I have to say something. It's not right! The pendulum has swung way too far. Everywhere I go I see young women (I mean in their 20's) who are sloppy. They are overweight. They don't take care of themselves. What expectations do they have? Seriously, I won't date them. Even when I was a flabby man, I wouldn't. Now that I'm in great shape, what do you think has happened to my expectations.

We are promoting a culture, that I fear, will result in what I see when I visit the U.S. I have alway contended, and I do still believe this. In Canada we have the most beautiful women i have ever seen, but we are destroying that!!!

The other side of the story...

I'm starting to wonder how the "other" side of the story is told. I learn when I listen. I learn about the person, how they think, their value system, their flaws and their ability to be honest  - mostly to themselves. But mostly, as the selfish man I am, I learn about myself. I have such a hunger to sate, that I am constantly hoping for a morsel to feed this ravenous need.

I have told, as so many others, about my tale of woe. About how I was mistreated and taken for granted. I have heard similar stories from many women. It's only now, when I apply my own learning, much of which I have shared through this blog in previous entries, that I wonder what is told about me. That is a thought no one should ever think!  What if Im not this god-like creature I presume to be?

Well, I put my objective hat on and thought: what are my flaws? what attributes, habits, opinions, smells, anything! - what is it that can be said about me?

Perhaps all of my allegory tells the tale. I think too much. It's not my place to criticize me. Perspective is subjective on its best days. We should all listen to each others stories and accept them as they are told.

I'll continue to believe I am the best man for the job, otherwise, I won't believe in myself. Why should I continue to pursue perfection, when clearly, perfection is not a highly desired trait.

Pizza Libretto

This is a total non-sequitur, but Pizza Libretto was a complete and utter disappointment. Real Neopolitan Pizza my ass! There used to be a place up on Steeles Avenue in Woodbridge called La Madonnina, now they had great pizza.

I had to say something. 

Reason, Season, Lifetime...

I hate that little anecdote. I despise it because it makes me think that I am nothing more to someone than one of those first two types of relationships. I know it's supposed to help me get over why some relationships didn't work, but the fact is, it just makes me more upset.

To think I was nothing more than someone who came into someone's life to help them through a rough spot - do I hear "rebound?" 

Or that I passed through as a season would. Maybe it was just a physical affair. 

This stuff doesn't make me feel good! Whether I was the benefactor or beneficiary of the benefit does not make it any better.

So please, everyone, stop quoting this horrid horrid anecdote!!!!!

Pragmatic or problematic

Have we become a society that takes "don't settle" too far? Maybe we are a society moving towards pathological searching. Whenever I meet someone, there is a high probability they are single (including separated and/or divorced). When I ask why, most say they can't find someone they really like or feel chemistry.

I myself am starting to wonder why I am looking for that elusive chemical connection. Perhaps the more searching I do, the more I want and therefore I have become a victim of the quest. Maybe, just maybe, there is something to be said for sticking it out, even when things become unbearable. There has to be a point where two people in a relationship can break through the problem periods to enjoy the stronger bond developed through the problem.

Flashbacks

People seem curiously surprised upon discovering that "I" am single. Ok, wait. Let me restate that, WOMEN, seem surprised by this. What's shocking is that the next sentence out of their mouths is usually "oh, but you probably have a few girlfriends." WHAT???

What is the correlation between the two? Now, I'm not complaining. In fact, I like that my "brand" is that of a desirable male in the universe. But I'm starting to think this is impacting my ability to find this elusive female that will ultimately be by mate.  

Anyway, back to the question (why am I single). Immediately upon being asked this question, it's like I have a flashback to every crappy thing my ex did. Then I wonder what answer could this person possibly be looking for? Perhaps an insight into my shortcomings? Perhaps they like to bask in the glow of someone else's failed relationship? Not sure. I'm starting to think that I should give examples of how thoughtless and inconsiderate me ex was (maybe she still is!) I feel sorry for guy #80 (or 101, whichever it is). Then I realize that I am no longer AS bitter as I used to be and I need to move on.

And then they ask a REALLY tough question: how many women have you dated? Then I have a different flashback, or flashbacks...

a change of pace...

Our own insecurity can be a huge asset and hidden liability.

I have been discovering a phenomena that has me stumped. It started with an absurd remark, but has snowballed to epic proportions. Inflicting masses of females that come into contact with me. I don't even know what to call it, YET!

At some point I will start allowing these comments and behaviours to completely ruin me - turning me into an egomaniac the likes of Kanye West.

I am the first to admit I have some major insecurities. I think I'm too short, too skinny, no calves, I'm old, I'm weird... and the insecurities go on. But, my insecurities drive me to work on and correct or overcome my shortcomings. In the process, apparently, I am seeming to become quite a specimen (LOL)!!! I love that women, for the first time in my life, are feeling like I am "out of their league!" I find it ridiculous and very strange. At first, I thought it was an excuse. Which fed my insecurities. Now, I'm not so certain. So, the moral of today's post: imperfection is perfection. In a world where mediocrity is the standard, excellence is a fantasy.

Creatures of habit

I try to break the habit, but when I do, I find no solace, no peace, nothing I was hoping or expecting to find. I've become addicted to the search I think. Experimenting. Trying it on for size, so to speak. In the end, what works is the same old, same old that always worked.

In search of a feeling or a sequence of feelings or trying to recapture a sentiment and situation that existed so long ago.

Judging myself, while no one else does, trying to be the ideal, but for who's sake?

It weighs on me, it clouds me, it feels more like affliction than addiction.

Jealousy...

When asked if I get jealous, my answer is always the same... When I am interested in or trying to win a woman (and let's face it, hunting still occurs in the modern world) I am extremely jealous. But, why am I jealous? At that moment in time, I am my most insecure. There is someone I want and if she shows the slightest interest, or wait, TALKS to another man, I get overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy! Why competitiveness kicks in and I have to prove to her why I am the man she should be with!! 

Now. Once I have secured my prey (!!!) and she is clearly with me, my insecurities virtually disappear. Jealousy is distrust, insecurity and fear of loss. I believe if I am feeling jealous in a relationship, then obviously it's for a reason: I don't trust her or myself!

But, I have a question, do women like that touch of jealousy, overprotectiveness and this sense of being under the watchful eye of a man who protects her. It's all perspective after all.

Seeking Approval

A revelation! After years of trying to gain the approval of others I realized it was never anyone else that was judging me, it was me! OMG!

Here I was trying to impress people I didn't even know or care about. Then still judging myself. I set these expectations of what life was supposed to be like. When I got what I wanted, it wasn't what I expected, When I didn't get my way, I wasn't deserving. 

How did I get this way? Why would I, me, create expectations that no one else placed on me? Now, I'm not saying I should have been lazy or not try or not strive to achieve. What I'm saying is, how could I be so hard on myself? I disguised my own expectations of myself. I made it seem as if someone else expected that of me.

Part II

Having actually made a connection with three different women in my lifetime (so far, I expect to find it again) I can speak from both perspectives.

Finding someone that one connects with on multiple levels - emotional, physical, intellectual and spiritual - is unlike anything else. For instance, of the women that have passed through my life, I have forgotten some, miss others and some remain friends, BUT I could never just sit and do NOTHING with them. When I was in a relationship where I could really be me, not expected to have something funny or brilliant to say, not expected to look perfect all the time (although I do :P), it was a really liberating feeling. I didn't feel like I had to run. I wanted to see them, I wanted to spend more time with them. 

I suppose as a single person that's what I'm still looking for.

The other thing I miss the most is the sense of belonging and being part of a "micro" community.

Quest for desire...

The plot of the 1981 movie "Quest for Fire" is not about the search for fire, but rather, the quest for our own purpose, procreation and love. I know, I know, go throw up...

Fast forward 50 million years (not sure if it's just a few hundred thousand years ago, I embellish). Men and women still desire the same basics of survival. We act the same way, just a little more refined. I'm sure 50 million years from now, humans will study our existence, our mythology and say "wow, they were really backwards."

The search for women (from my perspective) has led me to try every known, and some less known, avenues to meet and connect with females in my quest. I'm not too proud to admit that there is no singular superior methodology of meeting females. I would therefore assume women are no more advantaged than men. 

Our society and even our cultures revere the "couple." Everything around us is structured to accommodate and reward those who have chosen coupledom. For instance, the "single supplement," when traveling. You pay more to occupy a room only because you have travelled alone. When I have dined on my own, I'm sure people are either feeling sorry for me or assume I am a business traveller. When I get invited anywhere, I constantly asked if I'm bringing my spouse or a guest. Everyone around me is coupled-off.

I, however, do not despair. For I know lurking in the hearts of all of those couples is the burning question: "would I have been better off single?"

My answer to those of you: "No."

Surprised? Let me tell you why. Remember, this is all a matter of perspective.

     to be continued...

age in the new age

I've never succumbed to the societal norm that one should be with someone close to one's age. Today, I'm certain I'm judged by the age of the women I date. To be clear, I have never chosen my mates based on their age. I date the women I relate to at the time. 

When I was younger, much younger, I was very "old" mentally.  I found myself associating with an older crowd, therefore older women. Today, my mentality is much different. I've loosened up, I'm in a "transitional" state of mind. I relate to women much younger.

There are so many judgements passed on us. We seek approval and make our decisions based on satisfying the nebulous "they." I'm not certain where or who I was seeking approval, but I now know that I cannot truly identify "them." Our society places a tremendous amount of pressure on us as individuals. For girls, it's the media view of beauty, for men, it's the accepted norm of being a provider. Make no mistake, one consistent complaint I hear from the most independent of women is they wish men were more "manly" and did all the things they grew up expecting. All those poor guys who are classified as "nice" don't stand a chance in a world where they are told to respect and appreciate women, treat them as equals and don't judge by external beauty.

Well, I have a shocking truth - men and women, both genders, have been so well programmed that we are both expected to know how to balance meeting the societal, traditional role norms and our new world reality of equality. Yes, I know there are always exceptions. But again, I'll contend that the most independent of women are only that way because they thought they had to do that or because they can't find a man to be a "man." That's pretty f--ked up if you ask me.

I don't understand...

I have yet to understand how or why women I am NOT interested in continually hunt me down lol. Like seriously! I want the girls I want to want me that much! I want them to force themselves on me lol.

Is it that I have no interest, so I seem more mysterious? More aloof? More desirable? Is it that because they want me I push them away or lose interest?

I know, I ask more questions than I have answers, but I suppose they are rhetorical in many ways. I do believe, fundamentally, all of us (men and women) want what we cannot have or what is perceived as difficult to get. Unfortunately, when we meet someone and want them our ability to stay calm, cool, aloof and distant is difficult - at best! We immediately play our hand,  we totally become complete losers! :-) I mean that in a sarcastic sense (maybe)

Interesting Lyrics...

I like this song, because I relate to the lyrics.

Sure, it's a bit of a cliché, using the metaphor of addiction, but let's face it, it's a damn good metaphor.

It also made me wonder; if I record a song and "feature" Justin Timberlake, will it be a hit?

How do you know?

Have you ever REALLY been in love? or was it merely an extended case of infatuation?

Love is defined as "a feeling of deep affection."

Infatuation is defined as "an intense, but short lived passion."

Hmmmmmmm.

Only people I've really loved weren't of the romantic variety, when I think about it. Even my longest relationships weren't really love. Besides, is it love if only one person is in love? What about if you're in a relationship and your partner loves you more than you will ever love them? Are you in love? 

I think it's infatuation if it doesn't last forever. Idealistic, yes. But, does anyone disagree? 

time/value consideration

What's the time/value/benefit derived from any relationship? In a business, career or any other non-romantic relationship we set boundaries, expectations, commitment levels (time and otherwise) based on our desired and actual outcomes. Simple. 

In romantic relationships we rarely look at it this way. Emotions determine our interest level, our time commitment and ultimate expectations. In every relationship, there is always one person "more" interested, committed etc. Always an imbalance.

Is it wrong to take a logical view? A business "transactional" view of a romantic relationship? What I mean is this - should both parties set out their specific expectations at the onset? Does this make for a better relationship?

I find myself consistently disappointed. I'm sure my expectations are way too high. But are they? If I commit to show interest, take initiative and invest in the relationship, should I not see an equal or greater return? Is my thinking way off??

Reality is never objective...

When it comes to relationships, all forms of them, each party has their own version of reality - a subjective reality. Ask two people what happened, you get two stories, from two different perspectives. 

When a relationship ends, one of you is hurt more than the other. The initiator has had plenty of time to mentally break-up, mourn the end of the relationship and begin to move on. Then you get the news - surprise! But, I argue that none of us who have ever been lucky (yes, lucky) to ever to have been in that position were really totally blindsided. We just had our own subjective reality. We are so blinded by our emotions and what we see the other person as, we fail to really look for a deeper meaning. After all, if we did that, we'd be suspicious, untrusting people right? There are so many perspectives, it's numbingly circular. 

Who's to say what you should do. I have been in both situations. Have you ever wanted to say something, but you didn't, then as time passes on it gets harder to say because then you get into the "why didn't you tell me earlier" scenario.

What's right? What's respectful? My view of the world is we all have to take responsibility for ourselves and our own happiness. I'm starting to believe that in order for you to be happy you have to make YOU the priority. I don't think being selfish is necessarily wrong. What good are you to you and everyone around you if you are unhappy with the decisions you make? What happens when you don't ask or demand what it is you need or want?

Men AND Women are from Earth...

OK, so I haven't read the book, but I will say this - Men and Women are more alike than not. I have many theses on many topics, but my thesis on this one is:

Individual insecurity, our own self-absorption and our own ability to recover and move on, have more to do with our interpersonal relationships as do our level of maturity, relationship experience and our then-current state of mind!!! 

There are men I cannot understand, just as there are women I cannot. I have two women in my life I consider true friends - I'll talk about the definition of friendship another day - and I get them. I can relate. They get me, even in my craziest times.