Bull shit meter

Excuses set off my bull shit meter big time. Words and actions have to be aligned. When the two contradict, it's best I run.

I've said it before, that generally, peoples own insecurities come through in their comments. Cheaters usually worry about being cheated on, liars worry about being lied to and so on. 

The challenge I have is being able to separate my emotional attachment which clouds my good judgement and justifies and rationalizes the subject's words and actions. It's a shame. I see this situation all around me. i know how to deal with it, but in my own life struggle.

Self - less versus Self - ish

Been thinking of the practical meaning and application of the two actions. Particularly as it relates to romantic relationships. I constantly told that being selfless will make me feel much better than being selfish.

Once again, they (they being the well intentioned, misguided and generally wrong) have never really tried being selfish.

To be selfless is to be more concerned with the well being and wishes of others and not one self. On the other hand, being selfish is simply being concerned with one's own self, well being and pleasure.

I would argue that most of the time we are selfless at the expense of our our well being. It takes two to be happy. Why are we told to not think of our own happiness. When we do we feel guilty.

Start of a New Year!

Hey, since I'm up, thought I'd post entry number 1 for 2011. I wonder if anyone reads this anymore? I check my stats and clearly there are. I wonder if anything I say has any kind of minute impact on anyone.

The streets of Toronto are filled with people rushing around screaming, some a little drunk ;)

We need to celebrate more. People seem to be have high hopes for each new year. Each year it will be "their" year. I do wish them well, but I have to ask, why not just start. Pick any day. Decide to change your life. Stop waiting.

End of another Year

Ok, I suppose this is my year end blog post. Gotta get one in! It was a long time ago that I started this as a way to deal with my hurt and anger. My report back is that I'm much better and to quote U2 "a heart that hurts, is a heart that beats." 

We can't really enjoy life without the contrast of failure and hurt. I would hope that at some point I'd get better at dealing with the personal risks. 

I don't do resolutions. Resolutions should be fluid and part of our self improvement, if we care to improve. Another day, another day to heal is the lesson I have learned.

Balancing logic and emotions

Whenever I find myself getting too emotional I rely on my negotiation skills. An important concept in negotiations is not being over zealous. I counter my desire my ensuring I have options. This way, I am not fully vested into anyone.

I know that sounds cold, but within the context of dating, I keep my options open at all times. I don't burn my ships right away and go full on into "this is the person." That's a huge mistake which clouds my judgement and my ability to control supply and demand. 

Can't be what I'm not

Baggage, no baggage, patterns, no patterns, unrealistic expectations, no expectations, none of it matters. At my core, I am who I am. I am over analytical. I measure and weigh. I observe and deduce. I mostly strive to be brutally honest with myself. No point in lying to me!

What I have realized is I just don't want a relationship bad enough. When I want something badly, I work my ass of to get it. When I don't, well, that's where the term "half-ass" originates.

Ideas

Powerful, yet fragile. We all know the Victor Hugo quote "there's nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come." All great achievements and endeavours began as a simple idea. Relationships are no different.

What happens along the way? Do we build our empire only to see it torn apart by individual wants and desires? There will always be those who live and die by the idea, but ideas are indeed fragile. They must be vigilantly defended and nurtured. Our failures, our weaknesses, our inability to stay the course. I think these are the things that ultimately lead to our demise.

We look back at our glory days, the good times. What happens? They are moments in time. Then other small things erode those great times, our victories. 

Insecurities surface

Only when I become attracted enough to become vulnerable do I then fully experience my insecurities. It's been so easy categorizing my relationships into meaningful friendships and recreational pursuits.

Why did I choose to go down this road again. Old feelings of trust, rejection and abandonment surface. Why do emotions complicate things? Living with heart doesn't offer any more upside highs than living thoughtfully and logically. In fact, I think it's just plain stupid.

Sail on…

OK, so I listen to Lionel Ritchie. The man has made some great music. I was recently listening to "Sail on" and I was taken by the lyrics. All I can say is listen to it. Sail on :)

In nothing, there's something

I have been feeling extremely emotionally healthy. It sort of crept up  on me. In looking back almost 4 years now, I knew the day would come, the day I didn't feel hurt or pain. I do hang on to some anger, purposefully. I have always done that as a defense mechanism.

But this nothingness has become something new. I feel no void in my life. I have no desire or wish to nest or to mate. I'm not quite sure what I feel. When I figure it our I'll let you know.

Getting even

Revenge is never recommended, but admittedly, it is very satisfying. I've had cause over the years to exact my anger against those who have deserved it. (Writing this makes me laugh). 

Evolution and innovation

How did we get here? I mean, how did we get to the point where we feel compelled to follow in the footsteps of our ancestors. In every other part of life there is innovation and improvement. Movement away from how things have been done to a better way. Why are relationships any different?

We do exactly as everyone before us has done. You've all heard this before: The definition of insanity is continually doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Is anyone REALLY happy?

Think about this… why do any of us stay in a monogamous relationship? Is it because that other person makes us so happy we can't imagine our lives without them? or… Is it that we are so jealous that the thought of the person being with someone else makes us insecure? or… Do we think that we will never find anyone else ever again?

I have to tell you all, the more I think of the other feelings the more I wonder. None of us are hideous. If any of us are, well, then we all are. 

Lying can be good

It allows us to start over. Telling the truth doesn't always serve us best. I lie. I lie to get want I want, but I also lie when I need the other person to allow me to start over.

If I live up to what I promise after I lie, is it bad?

Hearts don't break

I had a moment of clarity today. The myth of the broken heart. It's not that our hearts break. It's the combination of denial, anger, confusion and general irrational jealousy that swirls around inside. 

In the absence of jealousy, which in reality is plain old insecurity, we are really sane and emotionally (sort of) individuals. 

Everyday life just isn't romantic

It's tough to be in the mood when all we deal with is being busy keeping our lives together: waking up way too early, getting your kids up, getting them ready, getting everyone to where they need to go, only to do it all at the end of the day. Then the really awful part is going on vacation and it's a rush to enjoy the precious few days. I finally get it.

Being single isn't much different because life tends to get in the way. And anything can ruin a romantic atmosphere.

Where is this thing going?

Why is it that women always want to know our future intentions? The question almost always comes up just when things are seemingly perfect. 

Every little thing she does is…

Annoying and frustrating. My threshold for tolerance has diminished over time. It's getting worse. Everything the women in my life do is not magic. It's a pain in the ass.

Living every second

Age is bearing down on me. I feel it. I have this burning feeling that I have to take bigger chances and bigger risks. I am worried that I am running out of time. 

Acceptable sub-culture #1 (of a series)

The Double life.

Girls that have boyfriends that seek excitement and adventure elsewhere. They will do and try ANYTHING. Things they won't do with their boyfriends. They talk the talk and put on a great show. They are the girls who teach Sunday school, work at daycare, live with their parents and have commitment rings. 

Then they spend the night with me and one of their friends. ;) Yes, exactly what you think. Then they share everything they can't talk about to anyone, but me, because I'm in with them. It makes me wonder how many similar experiences women in my past may have had. Was I the dope of the past?